[ Severus is insecure and angry about an awful lot of things, but the way he's insecure about relationships is different; he'd have to see himself entitled to one to be really properly bothered by it, maybe. And he doesn't. When Severus thinks there's no way anyone would date him, he also thinks he fucking understands why and doesn't hold it against the world. He has plenty of other things he's busy blaming the universe for.

When they were children, he and Lily thought they'd grow up and get married. Not because they were in love (or lust, they were too young to experience anything like that), but because they were the only things in each others worlds, and a day lasts a lifetime to a nine year old. Those days seemed to go on forever, a whole other reality just the two of them, too innocent to do anything but play. He got older and he thought-- or did he?

Their friendship was cut short before he ever really sorted out how he felt. Now he loves Lily in a way he doesn't know how to define; he wants her to be his family, but he also doesn't want to burden her. Severus has thought for long hours many times if he's in love with her. He usually decides it doesn't matter. If he is or he isn't, it doesn't change the intensity of what he feels or that he's motivated to do what he does for her. Albus assumed, but Albus seems to have changed his mind, slightly. Maybe. Severus doesn't know. The Dark Lord assumed, too. That had been fucking weird.

Why is he thinking about this.

Severus realizes he's probably been quiet for a bit longer than is normal. ]

I've had a sexual relationship, [ he forces himself to say-- and this time it does honestly sound a bit forced. ] I was very young and she wasn't.

[ He considers elaborating on that. Doesn't want to. ]

It was the war. I haven't wanted to engage with anyone since.