That doesn't mean you owe yourself any more misery than you're already putting on your own shoulders. I'm not going to argue with you about the kind of person I think you are and the kind of person you think you are, and I'm not going to tell you that maybe there are things here that can be something else, because that's just going to eventually come off as delaying the inevitable or being in some kind of denial. I do know that everything happens for a reason.
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