[ Inevitably, she finds some square of counter to lean against, too, crossing her arms over her chest rather than letting them dangle at her sides or wrap around some other dangling string or anything else she can get her hands on to take away from the focal point of this conversation. Severus, of course, is an inky punctuation mark in all this bright and polished decor; he's not as easy to leave dangling. Initially, all she does to respond is nod, because she can't disagree with any part of that. It had been just what it was: being locked away from everyone she'd come to know even a little bit only to come back and basically be blinded with it all. Claire feels like she's been holding her breath since the jump before last. ]
I appreciate that, for what it's worth. You wouldn't have been pressuring me, but I don't know if I would've been able to give you what you wanted.
[ The distance that she maintains makes it feel like she has a reason to maintain it. In reality she would like to just say fuck it all and reach out, but she doesn't, can't actually initiate the steps in order to make it happen. Instead she falls quiet again, staring at the floor though visibly trying to figure out how to phrase things. Eventually she looks back up and tries to keep her voice as casual as possible. ]
When I was down there, it was your typical Smiley crap. He was helpful at first. I mean, like, encouraging levels of helpful, as long as I was playing along. I started to see through that pretty quickly, and obviously he didn't like that at all. It's like he could look into my head and see what was in there. Not even necessarily what I was thinking right then, but stuff that's been there for long enough that it's become part of your subconscious. I get it, I know, that's his MO. He knows things about all of us somehow and uses it to unsettle you, but - [ She chews on the inside of her cheek until there's a prick of copper flavor in her mouth. ] - when you're down there and there's no one else for so long and you keep seeing the same stupid shit over and over, it stops being subconscious and starts being just conscious thought.
[ Severus, you might want to pull up a chair or take a knee. She's gearing up for a long one. ]
At first I wanted to go along with him to see where it would get me, pretend like I believed in him to see if he would show me anything different than what he's shown us or told us before. That was stupid, and I knew that, so I stopped. Then he got pissed. [ Pause. Claire works her jaw until it cracks. ] I know I'm never going to die, and I know I'm going to have to watch the people that I care about drop like flies eventually. I know I'm not as good of a person as I try to act like I am, and people are dead because of me, but I just keep truckin' along. I keep thinking okay, I'm not normal, but maybe I can have normal things like everyone else. Maybe I can figure out how to do this thing with you, because I really want that, and it'll all be okay. But then I come back and the only memories I've made in the last few months are a bunch of Smiley talk and one-sided arguments, and all I can think is... how is it going to work? How can I actually do this thing and why do people do this to themselves? [ The effort it takes not to revert back to the girl that she used to be and burst into tears leaves her voice hoarse and uneven. She feels like an asshole and wishes that she could just put a lid on it already, but once the flood gates are open, it all just comes rolling out. She swallows, thick. ] He kept saying things like, they're all going to die, you'll lose them all, stupid immortality bullshit. And I know it's true, and I know he's some stupid insane thing but it's really hard to ignore him and get all that out of your head when you come back and people are looking at you like, wow, hey you've been gone a while, and you're like, hey, yeah you have no idea. And on top of that, the day to day stuff. The where do I fit in now stuff. The what did I miss stuff and the are you pissed at me for doing what I did stuff.
[ Claire scrubs her hands through her hair and then over her face, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. They are infuriatingly damp when she drops them and blinks at the sudden, bright kitchen light. ]
WOW THIS GOT REAL LONG
I appreciate that, for what it's worth. You wouldn't have been pressuring me, but I don't know if I would've been able to give you what you wanted.
[ The distance that she maintains makes it feel like she has a reason to maintain it. In reality she would like to just say fuck it all and reach out, but she doesn't, can't actually initiate the steps in order to make it happen. Instead she falls quiet again, staring at the floor though visibly trying to figure out how to phrase things. Eventually she looks back up and tries to keep her voice as casual as possible. ]
When I was down there, it was your typical Smiley crap. He was helpful at first. I mean, like, encouraging levels of helpful, as long as I was playing along. I started to see through that pretty quickly, and obviously he didn't like that at all. It's like he could look into my head and see what was in there. Not even necessarily what I was thinking right then, but stuff that's been there for long enough that it's become part of your subconscious. I get it, I know, that's his MO. He knows things about all of us somehow and uses it to unsettle you, but - [ She chews on the inside of her cheek until there's a prick of copper flavor in her mouth. ] - when you're down there and there's no one else for so long and you keep seeing the same stupid shit over and over, it stops being subconscious and starts being just conscious thought.
[ Severus, you might want to pull up a chair or take a knee. She's gearing up for a long one. ]
At first I wanted to go along with him to see where it would get me, pretend like I believed in him to see if he would show me anything different than what he's shown us or told us before. That was stupid, and I knew that, so I stopped. Then he got pissed. [ Pause. Claire works her jaw until it cracks. ] I know I'm never going to die, and I know I'm going to have to watch the people that I care about drop like flies eventually. I know I'm not as good of a person as I try to act like I am, and people are dead because of me, but I just keep truckin' along. I keep thinking okay, I'm not normal, but maybe I can have normal things like everyone else. Maybe I can figure out how to do this thing with you, because I really want that, and it'll all be okay. But then I come back and the only memories I've made in the last few months are a bunch of Smiley talk and one-sided arguments, and all I can think is... how is it going to work? How can I actually do this thing and why do people do this to themselves? [ The effort it takes not to revert back to the girl that she used to be and burst into tears leaves her voice hoarse and uneven. She feels like an asshole and wishes that she could just put a lid on it already, but once the flood gates are open, it all just comes rolling out. She swallows, thick. ] He kept saying things like, they're all going to die, you'll lose them all, stupid immortality bullshit. And I know it's true, and I know he's some stupid insane thing but it's really hard to ignore him and get all that out of your head when you come back and people are looking at you like, wow, hey you've been gone a while, and you're like, hey, yeah you have no idea. And on top of that, the day to day stuff. The where do I fit in now stuff. The what did I miss stuff and the are you pissed at me for doing what I did stuff.
[ Claire scrubs her hands through her hair and then over her face, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. They are infuriatingly damp when she drops them and blinks at the sudden, bright kitchen light. ]
I'm sorry. I'm really, really terrible at this.