[ Inevitably, she finds some square of counter to lean against, too, crossing her arms over her chest rather than letting them dangle at her sides or wrap around some other dangling string or anything else she can get her hands on to take away from the focal point of this conversation. Severus, of course, is an inky punctuation mark in all this bright and polished decor; he's not as easy to leave dangling. Initially, all she does to respond is nod, because she can't disagree with any part of that. It had been just what it was: being locked away from everyone she'd come to know even a little bit only to come back and basically be blinded with it all. Claire feels like she's been holding her breath since the jump before last. ]
I appreciate that, for what it's worth. You wouldn't have been pressuring me, but I don't know if I would've been able to give you what you wanted.
[ The distance that she maintains makes it feel like she has a reason to maintain it. In reality she would like to just say fuck it all and reach out, but she doesn't, can't actually initiate the steps in order to make it happen. Instead she falls quiet again, staring at the floor though visibly trying to figure out how to phrase things. Eventually she looks back up and tries to keep her voice as casual as possible. ]
When I was down there, it was your typical Smiley crap. He was helpful at first. I mean, like, encouraging levels of helpful, as long as I was playing along. I started to see through that pretty quickly, and obviously he didn't like that at all. It's like he could look into my head and see what was in there. Not even necessarily what I was thinking right then, but stuff that's been there for long enough that it's become part of your subconscious. I get it, I know, that's his MO. He knows things about all of us somehow and uses it to unsettle you, but - [ She chews on the inside of her cheek until there's a prick of copper flavor in her mouth. ] - when you're down there and there's no one else for so long and you keep seeing the same stupid shit over and over, it stops being subconscious and starts being just conscious thought.
[ Severus, you might want to pull up a chair or take a knee. She's gearing up for a long one. ]
At first I wanted to go along with him to see where it would get me, pretend like I believed in him to see if he would show me anything different than what he's shown us or told us before. That was stupid, and I knew that, so I stopped. Then he got pissed. [ Pause. Claire works her jaw until it cracks. ] I know I'm never going to die, and I know I'm going to have to watch the people that I care about drop like flies eventually. I know I'm not as good of a person as I try to act like I am, and people are dead because of me, but I just keep truckin' along. I keep thinking okay, I'm not normal, but maybe I can have normal things like everyone else. Maybe I can figure out how to do this thing with you, because I really want that, and it'll all be okay. But then I come back and the only memories I've made in the last few months are a bunch of Smiley talk and one-sided arguments, and all I can think is... how is it going to work? How can I actually do this thing and why do people do this to themselves? [ The effort it takes not to revert back to the girl that she used to be and burst into tears leaves her voice hoarse and uneven. She feels like an asshole and wishes that she could just put a lid on it already, but once the flood gates are open, it all just comes rolling out. She swallows, thick. ] He kept saying things like, they're all going to die, you'll lose them all, stupid immortality bullshit. And I know it's true, and I know he's some stupid insane thing but it's really hard to ignore him and get all that out of your head when you come back and people are looking at you like, wow, hey you've been gone a while, and you're like, hey, yeah you have no idea. And on top of that, the day to day stuff. The where do I fit in now stuff. The what did I miss stuff and the are you pissed at me for doing what I did stuff.
[ Claire scrubs her hands through her hair and then over her face, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. They are infuriatingly damp when she drops them and blinks at the sudden, bright kitchen light. ]
[ Severus doesn't sit down. He doesn't get a chair. He stays where he is, hands on the edge of the counter. He listens. His expression is unreadable.
(At some point he becomes peripherally aware of how hard he's gripping pressed steel, of how his knuckles are whiter than they should be, but he doesn't move.)
He lets her talk and doesn't interrupt, taking in what she's saying. The more dominant analytical part of him commits it to memory and takes highlighted notes about what to fit in where, what may need further elaboration, what should be investigated and pressed at. It helps him keep his shit together listening.
That's all it helps with. ]
Look at you. [ Quietly. His voice is rougher than he thought it'd be. ] Dealing with all that, remembering and believing and not breaking down. Look how bloody good you are at this and not terrible at all.
[ Oh god, don't look at her. She's aware of the two high points of blotchy red smearing across her cheeks like streaked paint, trailing all the way back over the shells of her ears and down the tendons of her neck. At least, that's where the heat is concentrated, flaring to life on a pulse point and then eventually subsiding. Claire is pretty sure her eyes are red, but not as badly as they've been in the past.
Emotional outbursts at sixteen were probably healthier than bottling at nineteen, though. Or however old she is now. After being lost in the dark and surfacing this disorienting amount of time later, Claire can't actually say with certainty where on the time line she is.
Like it matters anyway.]
I'm not. [ Her voice is a little more bitter than she would like or intend and still thick with the frustrated threat of a dam falling down somewhere, but she at least sounds a little less resigned. ] I mean, yeah. If you need someone to keep it together after being harassed by a psycho killer, I'm your girl. [ Thumbs to chest, then she folds her arms again. ] It's all second verse, same as the first. The only reason I'm not - I'm used to this. This is my life, but now in space. That doesn't mean I know how to do anything any better than anyone else just based on experience, or that I'm actually good at it. I think Darcy is handling whatever she saw down there better. [ Not to discredit Darcy as a strong girl, but Claire tends to think of herself as the unbreakable one and everyone else as fragile teacups that need to be handled delicately. ] Not dealing with it, pushing people away, keeping my distance. I can come up with whatever reason sounds good or makes sense, but I told you like months ago that you didn't get to do that, and now I'm doing it and I know I'm doing it. But I'm not trying to do anything differently, and it shouldn't be like that.
You're doing what you feel like you have to do. [ Defense mechanisms. Severus understands that. He's-- surprised, though, that she relates her current behavior to what he's pulled on her before. Maybe it is a little bit similar, but he thinks he was worse about it. By far. ] Even though you told me that, did you hate me forever for fucking up with it when I did?
[ No, obviously. And Claire hasn't even fucked anything up. She's just gone a little quiet, and... she's allowed. ]
I looked for you. [ In a more subdued tone. ] I'm not angry. I wasn't.
No. [ Her answer is almost immediate, but her tone and the arrangement of her face makes it clear there's more coming. She unwinds her arms from where they've been pressed up against her chest, fingers white-knuckle curled into the crooks of her elbows. ] But I was pretty pissed at you for a while.
[ Claire hops up on the counter, curling her fingers to the underside of the counter, letting her heels scrape against metallic paneling and watching them while hunching in on herself a little. When neither of them are saying anything, she's struck by how quiet it is on this floor. Distinctly, she doesn't feel any oppressive hatred creeping around like someone left the gas on, which makes it easier for her to look at him squarely. ]
Okay. [ On some level, she'd already known that he wasn't angry, but there's a difference in suspecting it and actually hearing it. No take backs. ] I don't want things to be weird and awkward between us anymore, but. What do you want?
[ This is probably very similar to a conversation that she should have had with Gretchen and never had the care or consideration to do. ]
He wasn't pissed at her. He's still not. It doesn't mean she's more harsh, it's just-- he knows he's worse, he understands that behavior response for what it is. If she gets mad at him for doing it, well, she's closer to a normal person than he is. Her reactions are probably more appropriate. His are always going to be skewed, whether that means getting disproportionately angry or disproportionately not angry.
She hops up on the counter and he pushes away so that he can face her, stretching out his hands only briefly.
What the hell does he want?
Severus slides his scarf off of where it's perched on his shoulder and reaches out to loop it around Claire's. Not close or touchy just-- there. ]
I'm terrible at wanting anything, [ he says quietly. She knows what. ] I want to not be an arsehole about everything. I want you to tell me if you need me around or if I should fuck off.
[ The fabric is scratchy, a little itchy, where it rubs up against the side of her neck while she straightens up and then folds back in on herself, pinching her fingers down the length of the scarf as it hangs down over her shoulders and then curling her hands over the edge of the counter, holding on. Her heel makes a little thumping sound every time she lets it swing back too far, which seems overly loud in the silence that passes for several seconds following his voice filling the kitchen.
Eventually the flesh of her cheek finds its way between her teeth again, not so hard this time, and Claire nods. ]
You haven't been an asshole about this. [ Being terrible at wanting anything doesn't make him any less deserving of it, regardless of how bad or good he is at it in its entirety or what it is that he wants. She decides to be upfront anyway. ] I don't need you around. That doesn't mean I want you to fuck off. I do want you around. I always want you around, even when it's awkward.
[ The distinction between want and need is met with a blank look, because Severus isn't developed enough in Relations With Other Humans to really get why that would be a hair she needs split.
(At least that means there's no ego to be bruised, or anything weird like that.) ]
[ This accompanied by a nod that starts at her head and works its way down through her neck and into her shoulders, almost a shrug. Her hands drop from the scarf to slip underneath her thighs, pressed flat between her jeans and the counter. ]
Your feet will probably suffer a lot less abuse, at least.
[ Claire gestures toward the one she had trod on in the hallway just a little while ago with the pointed tip of her own toe. ]
[ Yes, she responds, automatically, in her head, followed closely by Gotta be and Always am. But those feel like dodges, regardless of how true they might actually be. Yes, she's going to be alright, and yes, she and everyone else has to be. Claire wants to offer him a little more honesty than that. ]
I think so. [ Is the most genuine reply she can offer him. Because she does think so, and she always is, in the end, regardless of how long it takes her to get there. For as much as she's complained about her life and what's happened in it, the unfairness of it all, Claire is proud of what it's made her. Resilient. Strong. A fighter. She's thankful for that much. ] It would be helpful if we weren't voting on how to deal with another threat on top of all of this. And if I could walk into a room by myself without feeling like the room actually hates me.
[ The honest answer is what he's hoping for, anyway, of course. He's not sure he'd believe her if she said any of those other options, and the fact that she manages I think so makes him feel more confident that she actually will be okay. ]
The voting is interesting, isn't it. [ Mild. Severus thinks it's progress, but doesn't have much faith in it. ] What do you mean, the room actually hates you?
I think regardless of what we do, we're going to end up in trouble. We don't know enough about what they're capable of or what they've got in their arsenal to be the aggressors. We can't just sit back and do nothing. Rock and a hard place.
[ Claire shrugs one shoulder and flattens her mouth out into a thin line. Her voice is about as mild as his, her faith lacking as well. After a while on this ship, expecting the worst to happen is just second nature. ]
The room stuff, it's not - you know when you walk into a room full of people and you can just tell by the way the air is that they were just talking trash about you? When I'm alone, it's like I just walked into that room. Only no one is in the room and it's not so much like people were talking about me behind my back as much as it is they're really, really pissed at me. I don't know if it's like that for everyone else.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
WOW THIS GOT REAL LONG
I appreciate that, for what it's worth. You wouldn't have been pressuring me, but I don't know if I would've been able to give you what you wanted.
[ The distance that she maintains makes it feel like she has a reason to maintain it. In reality she would like to just say fuck it all and reach out, but she doesn't, can't actually initiate the steps in order to make it happen. Instead she falls quiet again, staring at the floor though visibly trying to figure out how to phrase things. Eventually she looks back up and tries to keep her voice as casual as possible. ]
When I was down there, it was your typical Smiley crap. He was helpful at first. I mean, like, encouraging levels of helpful, as long as I was playing along. I started to see through that pretty quickly, and obviously he didn't like that at all. It's like he could look into my head and see what was in there. Not even necessarily what I was thinking right then, but stuff that's been there for long enough that it's become part of your subconscious. I get it, I know, that's his MO. He knows things about all of us somehow and uses it to unsettle you, but - [ She chews on the inside of her cheek until there's a prick of copper flavor in her mouth. ] - when you're down there and there's no one else for so long and you keep seeing the same stupid shit over and over, it stops being subconscious and starts being just conscious thought.
[ Severus, you might want to pull up a chair or take a knee. She's gearing up for a long one. ]
At first I wanted to go along with him to see where it would get me, pretend like I believed in him to see if he would show me anything different than what he's shown us or told us before. That was stupid, and I knew that, so I stopped. Then he got pissed. [ Pause. Claire works her jaw until it cracks. ] I know I'm never going to die, and I know I'm going to have to watch the people that I care about drop like flies eventually. I know I'm not as good of a person as I try to act like I am, and people are dead because of me, but I just keep truckin' along. I keep thinking okay, I'm not normal, but maybe I can have normal things like everyone else. Maybe I can figure out how to do this thing with you, because I really want that, and it'll all be okay. But then I come back and the only memories I've made in the last few months are a bunch of Smiley talk and one-sided arguments, and all I can think is... how is it going to work? How can I actually do this thing and why do people do this to themselves? [ The effort it takes not to revert back to the girl that she used to be and burst into tears leaves her voice hoarse and uneven. She feels like an asshole and wishes that she could just put a lid on it already, but once the flood gates are open, it all just comes rolling out. She swallows, thick. ] He kept saying things like, they're all going to die, you'll lose them all, stupid immortality bullshit. And I know it's true, and I know he's some stupid insane thing but it's really hard to ignore him and get all that out of your head when you come back and people are looking at you like, wow, hey you've been gone a while, and you're like, hey, yeah you have no idea. And on top of that, the day to day stuff. The where do I fit in now stuff. The what did I miss stuff and the are you pissed at me for doing what I did stuff.
[ Claire scrubs her hands through her hair and then over her face, pressing the heels of her palms into her eyes. They are infuriatingly damp when she drops them and blinks at the sudden, bright kitchen light. ]
I'm sorry. I'm really, really terrible at this.
q_q
(At some point he becomes peripherally aware of how hard he's gripping pressed steel, of how his knuckles are whiter than they should be, but he doesn't move.)
He lets her talk and doesn't interrupt, taking in what she's saying. The more dominant analytical part of him commits it to memory and takes highlighted notes about what to fit in where, what may need further elaboration, what should be investigated and pressed at. It helps him keep his shit together listening.
That's all it helps with. ]
Look at you. [ Quietly. His voice is rougher than he thought it'd be. ] Dealing with all that, remembering and believing and not breaking down. Look how bloody good you are at this and not terrible at all.
mO.Om
Emotional outbursts at sixteen were probably healthier than bottling at nineteen, though. Or however old she is now. After being lost in the dark and surfacing this disorienting amount of time later, Claire can't actually say with certainty where on the time line she is.
Like it matters anyway.]
I'm not. [ Her voice is a little more bitter than she would like or intend and still thick with the frustrated threat of a dam falling down somewhere, but she at least sounds a little less resigned. ] I mean, yeah. If you need someone to keep it together after being harassed by a psycho killer, I'm your girl. [ Thumbs to chest, then she folds her arms again. ] It's all second verse, same as the first. The only reason I'm not - I'm used to this. This is my life, but now in space. That doesn't mean I know how to do anything any better than anyone else just based on experience, or that I'm actually good at it. I think Darcy is handling whatever she saw down there better. [ Not to discredit Darcy as a strong girl, but Claire tends to think of herself as the unbreakable one and everyone else as fragile teacups that need to be handled delicately. ] Not dealing with it, pushing people away, keeping my distance. I can come up with whatever reason sounds good or makes sense, but I told you like months ago that you didn't get to do that, and now I'm doing it and I know I'm doing it. But I'm not trying to do anything differently, and it shouldn't be like that.
no subject
[ No, obviously. And Claire hasn't even fucked anything up. She's just gone a little quiet, and... she's allowed. ]
I looked for you. [ In a more subdued tone. ] I'm not angry. I wasn't.
no subject
[ Claire hops up on the counter, curling her fingers to the underside of the counter, letting her heels scrape against metallic paneling and watching them while hunching in on herself a little. When neither of them are saying anything, she's struck by how quiet it is on this floor. Distinctly, she doesn't feel any oppressive hatred creeping around like someone left the gas on, which makes it easier for her to look at him squarely. ]
Okay. [ On some level, she'd already known that he wasn't angry, but there's a difference in suspecting it and actually hearing it. No take backs. ] I don't want things to be weird and awkward between us anymore, but. What do you want?
[ This is probably very similar to a conversation that she should have had with Gretchen and never had the care or consideration to do. ]
no subject
He wasn't pissed at her. He's still not. It doesn't mean she's more harsh, it's just-- he knows he's worse, he understands that behavior response for what it is. If she gets mad at him for doing it, well, she's closer to a normal person than he is. Her reactions are probably more appropriate. His are always going to be skewed, whether that means getting disproportionately angry or disproportionately not angry.
She hops up on the counter and he pushes away so that he can face her, stretching out his hands only briefly.
What the hell does he want?
Severus slides his scarf off of where it's perched on his shoulder and reaches out to loop it around Claire's. Not close or touchy just-- there. ]
I'm terrible at wanting anything, [ he says quietly. She knows what. ] I want to not be an arsehole about everything. I want you to tell me if you need me around or if I should fuck off.
no subject
Eventually the flesh of her cheek finds its way between her teeth again, not so hard this time, and Claire nods. ]
You haven't been an asshole about this. [ Being terrible at wanting anything doesn't make him any less deserving of it, regardless of how bad or good he is at it in its entirety or what it is that he wants. She decides to be upfront anyway. ] I don't need you around. That doesn't mean I want you to fuck off. I do want you around. I always want you around, even when it's awkward.
no subject
(At least that means there's no ego to be bruised, or anything weird like that.) ]
Then.. we're on the same page.
[ Maybe? Apparently? ]
no subject
[ This accompanied by a nod that starts at her head and works its way down through her neck and into her shoulders, almost a shrug. Her hands drop from the scarf to slip underneath her thighs, pressed flat between her jeans and the counter. ]
Your feet will probably suffer a lot less abuse, at least.
[ Claire gestures toward the one she had trod on in the hallway just a little while ago with the pointed tip of her own toe. ]
no subject
[ So, you know. It's fine even if she keeps trodding on him, probably. ]
.. Are you going to be all right?
[ Slowly approached, but blunt. She knows he's not good at gentle emotional diplomacy. Might as well get it out point-blank. ]
no subject
I think so. [ Is the most genuine reply she can offer him. Because she does think so, and she always is, in the end, regardless of how long it takes her to get there. For as much as she's complained about her life and what's happened in it, the unfairness of it all, Claire is proud of what it's made her. Resilient. Strong. A fighter. She's thankful for that much. ] It would be helpful if we weren't voting on how to deal with another threat on top of all of this. And if I could walk into a room by myself without feeling like the room actually hates me.
no subject
The voting is interesting, isn't it. [ Mild. Severus thinks it's progress, but doesn't have much faith in it. ] What do you mean, the room actually hates you?
no subject
[ Claire shrugs one shoulder and flattens her mouth out into a thin line. Her voice is about as mild as his, her faith lacking as well. After a while on this ship, expecting the worst to happen is just second nature. ]
The room stuff, it's not - you know when you walk into a room full of people and you can just tell by the way the air is that they were just talking trash about you? When I'm alone, it's like I just walked into that room. Only no one is in the room and it's not so much like people were talking about me behind my back as much as it is they're really, really pissed at me. I don't know if it's like that for everyone else.