[ Uneven is probably a polite way of putting it, she realizes. If the war and this particular relationship go hand in hand in any capacity, then she can't imagine that experience, while probably educational, was anything positive. She doesn't say any experience is better than none, because she of all people knows how untrue that is and doesn't believe it, besides. She's never envied anyone that. ]
If you could call it that. [ She'll never have the opportunity, probably, to determine what she and Gretchen were. West was a failure and a disappointment, and everything before that leaves her too young to have anything substantial. ] If you're really stretching the dictionary definition. They never worked out and they never lasted. For a lot of reasons. All two of them.
[ West more so than Gretchen was a flash in the pan, a longing to connect, finding someone like her and not wanting to let go. That urge hasn't been extinguished, even if her understanding of it as it relates to him has. She feels the same way about Gretchen, even if that sever is more recent. ]
[ Severus wants to say that he thinks it has nothing to do with her, and probably much more to do with her circumstances - but that would probably come off sort of annoying. Though he can still imagine it.
Isolation. ]
An excellent mutual track record. [ FOR THIS TERRIBLE IDEA. But no, he doesn't sound critical; part of him is relieved that neither of them terribly outbalance the other. ] I never thought I'd be suited to it.
[ And he's still not sure. But he likes her. Obviously. ]
[ Claire snorts, a rush of air more than anything, never mind that she's also actually somewhat relieved that their individual circumstances nullify any effort the past has made to outstripe the other. Granted, she's sure they edge ahead in different areas, but Claire isn't counting. ]
I don't think most people do. [ But she squints, because that doesn't sound right. ] Well, maybe people who don't have our track record do, but that's their prerogative. [ She has to untangle her hand to do it, but Claire reaches across his sternum to slip her arm over his opposite shoulder. The result leaves her stretched across him, tucked in close. ] For the record, I think you're doing alright.
[ She still isn't sure either, but she likes him. Obviously. And she'd rather have their excellent mutual track record and all the bullshit that comes as a result than not have anything at all. That, she supposes, has to count for something. ]
[ Claire actually knows how to function around other living people, and Severus isn't scared of female biology. Perhaps it evens out.
(Probably not.) ]
I have to accredit it to you, [ he says lowly, letting her coil around him and sliding his arm to hold her.
Severus doesn't know how to explain, still, why he was as vehemently opposed at first as he was. If he disliked her, if she was less effective in slinking in around his barriers, it would have been easier to screwed around or cut her off. It's riskier this way. He doesn't want to get used to anything. But everyone says they won't remember. Maybe it's fine. To have something for a moment. ]
[ For her part, in the quiet moments when she's left alone long enough to think, she can rationalize all the ways in which this is a bad idea, a bad strategy, can summon up the anxiety inherent in letting it continue when she's pretty sure one or the both of them is going to hurt the other in some way. If it's not an interpersonal thing, then it's going to she wakes up from a jump one day, and he's vanished the way Peter and Nathan have. Or he's going to get murdered by the ship or something. In those moments the risks outweigh the benefits and she recognizes how stupid and reckless it is to get involved.
And then just as quickly she doesn't care and it doesn't matter, and she's letting her arm fall from his shoulder to his side where she can let it drop and just exist here for a while. ]
I only accept payment for accreditation the form of bribes and making out.
[ You know... just so he knows. Hopefully her face has not gone full tomato. After all of that, though, a little levity is probably warranted. ]
[ Severus lets out a quiet bark of laughter, surprised at how frank she is sometimes. But he likes it; he believes she'll be straight with him when he pisses her off - not if. Because he has already, and she's bitten his head off for it, and that's fine.
Her face is a little bit tomato. Severus thinks it's cute. When he ducks down to kiss her it feels a little braver than time days before. ]
[ It's probably never going to be a seamless transition. She's probably always going to miss a little, nine times out of ten, and she's probably always going to kiss him with some degree of apprehension, like an awareness of the fact that it could be the last time before something horrible goes wrong. But she has made a decision that there's not going to be any hesitation, because why should there be? For as much as they both believe that the probability for something going wrong is high enough to justify constant consideration, conscious or unconscious, Claire feels like it's important not to let that translate.
Her fingertips pluck the shirt and gather the material into the curl of her knuckles, and she very easily does not stop to consider how long she has been up here and how irresponsible a dog owner she's being. By her count, she has at least another twenty minutes. ]
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If you could call it that. [ She'll never have the opportunity, probably, to determine what she and Gretchen were. West was a failure and a disappointment, and everything before that leaves her too young to have anything substantial. ] If you're really stretching the dictionary definition. They never worked out and they never lasted. For a lot of reasons. All two of them.
[ West more so than Gretchen was a flash in the pan, a longing to connect, finding someone like her and not wanting to let go. That urge hasn't been extinguished, even if her understanding of it as it relates to him has. She feels the same way about Gretchen, even if that sever is more recent. ]
no subject
Isolation. ]
An excellent mutual track record. [ FOR THIS TERRIBLE IDEA. But no, he doesn't sound critical; part of him is relieved that neither of them terribly outbalance the other. ] I never thought I'd be suited to it.
[ And he's still not sure. But he likes her. Obviously. ]
no subject
I don't think most people do. [ But she squints, because that doesn't sound right. ] Well, maybe people who don't have our track record do, but that's their prerogative. [ She has to untangle her hand to do it, but Claire reaches across his sternum to slip her arm over his opposite shoulder. The result leaves her stretched across him, tucked in close. ] For the record, I think you're doing alright.
[ She still isn't sure either, but she likes him. Obviously. And she'd rather have their excellent mutual track record and all the bullshit that comes as a result than not have anything at all. That, she supposes, has to count for something. ]
no subject
(Probably not.) ]
I have to accredit it to you, [ he says lowly, letting her coil around him and sliding his arm to hold her.
Severus doesn't know how to explain, still, why he was as vehemently opposed at first as he was. If he disliked her, if she was less effective in slinking in around his barriers, it would have been easier to screwed around or cut her off. It's riskier this way. He doesn't want to get used to anything. But everyone says they won't remember. Maybe it's fine. To have something for a moment. ]
no subject
And then just as quickly she doesn't care and it doesn't matter, and she's letting her arm fall from his shoulder to his side where she can let it drop and just exist here for a while. ]
I only accept payment for accreditation the form of bribes and making out.
[ You know... just so he knows. Hopefully her face has not gone full tomato. After all of that, though, a little levity is probably warranted. ]
no subject
Her face is a little bit tomato. Severus thinks it's cute. When he ducks down to kiss her it feels a little braver than time days before. ]
no subject
Her fingertips pluck the shirt and gather the material into the curl of her knuckles, and she very easily does not stop to consider how long she has been up here and how irresponsible a dog owner she's being. By her count, she has at least another twenty minutes. ]