This sort of physical connectivity still feels unnatural to Severus, but for right now, all he wants to do is cling to Lily like he can protect her, fix everything, like maybe they might both drift away into some unknown darkness if they aren't holding onto each other. He's never felt this particular terror before, twisting his insides, everything cold. His mistakes press into his lungs, making him feel like he's moments from suffocating.
Severus shakes his head, not trusting his voice just yet. He knows she tried, but she shouldn't have bargained herself-- she shouldn't have had to, he shouldn't have left her backed into that corner.
It's been so long, just like it had been so long since they'd held hands like children, that she doesn't want to move. She wants to stay like this, to pretend like nothing had ever happened, like she isn't trying to even out her breathing after losing it in front of her oldest friend.
They've both made mistakes.
She doesn't speak again after he shakes his head: just stays like that, quietly, though she sinks down slightly so they're on a more even level, her head never quite leaving his shoulder. There's nothing she can say now, so she doesn't. Just breathes.
Severus is powerless to do anything. James is already dead. Lily is already dead. He can't pick out a time-turner and go back and fix it all. His guilt over being the messenger of her death is tied up in a hundred other things, no small number of them flinging hatred and blame at Potter. This makes it easier, but it also makes him even more sad. He was never good enough for Lily and he never managed to protect her, but at least he never lied about it.
(Severus has to force himself to stop thinking about it to forestall a memory overtaking him: Albus, sitting across from him, his voice weary but frightening. If the prophecy had never been handed over, then Voldemort would still be alive...)
Nothing to do but sit on the floor of his office and hold her. In time they'll have to get up and move on, but for now, it's just them.
At some point she sits level to him, on the floor, not caring and not thinking about anything at all. She's angry, and distraught, and exhausted. There is nothing left for her at home, and all she has left is here.
Here, where her fingers curl at his collar, clutching the fabric in her fingers at the back of his neck.
(Part of her thinks about James, wonders if a part of him ever did change for her. It tightens her chest and she screws her eyes shut, keeps her mind blank as possible instead.)
Eventually she'll get up to leave, linger in the door, then go to think alone instead of going back to Medical. For now, this is enough.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Severus shakes his head, not trusting his voice just yet. He knows she tried, but she shouldn't have bargained herself-- she shouldn't have had to, he shouldn't have left her backed into that corner.
He was never safe, but it's not her fault.
no subject
They've both made mistakes.
She doesn't speak again after he shakes his head: just stays like that, quietly, though she sinks down slightly so they're on a more even level, her head never quite leaving his shoulder. There's nothing she can say now, so she doesn't. Just breathes.
no subject
(Severus has to force himself to stop thinking about it to forestall a memory overtaking him: Albus, sitting across from him, his voice weary but frightening. If the prophecy had never been handed over, then Voldemort would still be alive...)
Nothing to do but sit on the floor of his office and hold her. In time they'll have to get up and move on, but for now, it's just them.
no subject
Here, where her fingers curl at his collar, clutching the fabric in her fingers at the back of his neck.
(Part of her thinks about James, wonders if a part of him ever did change for her. It tightens her chest and she screws her eyes shut, keeps her mind blank as possible instead.)
Eventually she'll get up to leave, linger in the door, then go to think alone instead of going back to Medical. For now, this is enough.