[ On the one hand, she feels sort of powerless to stop whatever change is going to take place as a result of what and who she is. It's like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun and knowing without fail that the person on the other end is going to pull the trigger. On the other, looking at herself from the outside, Claire can't ever imagine not caring about something. It's the not knowing what that will be in a hundred years that worries her.
But that's in a hundred years. Maybe she'll get to the point where it passes in the blink of an eye, but not today. Probably not tomorrow either. Right now, minutes linger on and hours not spent shrugging off earned exhaustion feel limitless. ]
I know I've changed since this whole thing started. Not the dreaming episodes or the ship or anything. This whole special powers thing. I'm not the same person that I was three years ago. I think if me then looked at me now, and vice versa, we wouldn't recognize each other. I'm not totally ungrateful for it. I was always just a victim, then. So maybe that means I am getting jaded. Desensitized. I know that after a certain line was crossed, everything else that happened didn't compare. [ No matter how brutal the violence, nothing is ever going to be as invasive on so many levels as what Sylar did to her was. ] I like to think that I'm a long way off from not giving a damn, so maybe it doesn't mean jaded, just different, I guess.
[ Severus can't imagine that experience-- suddenly having an ability, already grown, the world changing inside out in a day. He wonders if Lily felt like that when he first came to her under that tree. But they were so small then, and children adapt to change with ease. ]
People choose to become monsters.
[ He doesn't know what it's like to live for hundreds of years, but he knows that. ]
[ Spoken with the tone and cadence of someone who does understand that point, probably better than she ought to. Some of their experiences detail how fine a line it is to walk between what's considered morally right and taking the plunge down into the abyss. Claire likes to think that she's come no closer than anyone else, despite the things that she has done, would do even now, and emerged without tumbling. ]
What about you? [ She feels uncomfortable, even in a room for two, with the spotlight, talking about herself for longer than it takes to air whatever it is that's bothering her. Maybe it shows. As it stands, she feels weirdly comfortable enough with him to be uncomfortable. Surely that isn't anything to be concerned about. ] Are you okay?
[ It's probably good to talk about. Maybe. Severus often doesn't feel any better when he does, but he tends to only have issues concerning really awful things. He's somewhat comforted by being able to be here for Claire, at least. ]
I have a headache still, [ he admits. ] But as far as-- I don't know, impact goes, it's nothing that'll be giving me nightmares.
[ If prompted, Claire isn't sure whether or not she could attest to actually feeling better or not. As it is most of the time, it's something she just shelves and won't deal with later, stored in the back of her mind with all the other thoughts that are one day bound to come raging out the way that they used to, no holds barred. For now, she frowns vaguely and makes a hmm sound before rolling over to face him. ]
Spell blowback? [ Admittedly it's the physical stuff that concerns her more with him than anything else. Not because she perceives him as weak or ineffective. Hardly. But because she knows his mental fortitude is that much stronger as a result of his experiences. Terrible, shitty experiences, but still. Not to mention being invulnerable means you worry about everyone physically whether necessary or not. ] Or something down in the halls? Like brain capacity overload.
Probably brain capacity overload? [ Question mark because his voice goes up, because he's nnooot totally sure? Squint. It's not spell blowback; he meant that earlier to mean shrapnel. But he definitely over-exerted the magic that protects his mind. ] I do need to see Nuala today. She was impacted by this, and subduing her was a struggle for both of us, due to her telepathy.
[ Squint met with squint. It doesn't hold long, however. ]
Yeah, I imagine trying to wrangle a telepath might be mentally taxing. No wonder you have a headache.
[ It's one of the reasons, at least, Claire is sure. She isn't one hundred percent on whether or not he needs to see Nuala because she might be able to help him with his headache or in the way that maybe Claire should be seeing those she helped subdue. Like that's happening any time soon. Rather than asking, Claire sits up, bending her legs underneath her and extending both hands, fingers locked together. ]
I actually have headache healing abilities, did you know that?
[ He just needs to make sure that nothing he did to stop Nuala has ended up hurting her-- or so he believes. Ultimately he's going to get forced into a deeper kind of enchanted sleep, because his head is worse than he believes. But it'll be fine in a week, so. ]
.. I did not know that, no. [ Severus is side-eying her slightly. Don't poke him in the eyeballs, please. ]
[ Those pesky immortals. Always getting the jump on you and forcing you into a therapeutic sleep. Privately she thinks that spending time in the gardens might actually do more for anyone based solely on the fact that they can be a peaceful place if you aren't furiously trying to make sure none of the equipment breaks down and people aren't stealing vegetation. Or pot. ]
Don't look at me like that. I need to be able to concentrate. [ She places one hand on either side of his head and closes her eyes just long enough to be ridiculous and exhales. After about thirty seconds, she cracks one eye open and looks at the wall. ] Is it working?
All right.. [ Briefly he raises one hand in surrender. Ok ok concentrate. AND THEN .. What. Severus makes a noise like he's trying not to laugh, but settles. ]
[ It's a nice change of pace. Things were getting too serious around here. Skirting dangerously close to an overabundance of feelings. Claire sits back on her heels. ]
[ You weirdo. Severus sits up, runs a hand through his hair-- pointlessly, it's never going to look right; he's got about an hour before it starts looking slightly gross, anyway. ]
Still working. [ Her magic headache cure touch. (No, his head still hurts, but it was cute anyway.) He leans forward to kiss her, silent thank-you for ... this, whatever it is. Also because why not. ]
[ Somewhere there are probably people who are proud of her for being a total nerd. Claire is certainly more comfortable this way, speaking in general and of the present in itself. It's much easier to act like a dork when you've arrived at no logical, sustainable conclusion for anything, when you know how things are is just how things are. People die and then don't and people get hurt and everything cycles and recycles. Much easier to just kiss and be kissed for a while, for now, rather than discussing or sorting through questions with obvious answers.
Eventually her alarm is going to go off and eventually (prior to that) she is going to have to remove herself from the situation to let the dogs out and do her own thing. This is nice, though, for now. ]
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But that's in a hundred years. Maybe she'll get to the point where it passes in the blink of an eye, but not today. Probably not tomorrow either. Right now, minutes linger on and hours not spent shrugging off earned exhaustion feel limitless. ]
I know I've changed since this whole thing started. Not the dreaming episodes or the ship or anything. This whole special powers thing. I'm not the same person that I was three years ago. I think if me then looked at me now, and vice versa, we wouldn't recognize each other. I'm not totally ungrateful for it. I was always just a victim, then. So maybe that means I am getting jaded. Desensitized. I know that after a certain line was crossed, everything else that happened didn't compare. [ No matter how brutal the violence, nothing is ever going to be as invasive on so many levels as what Sylar did to her was. ] I like to think that I'm a long way off from not giving a damn, so maybe it doesn't mean jaded, just different, I guess.
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People choose to become monsters.
[ He doesn't know what it's like to live for hundreds of years, but he knows that. ]
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[ Spoken with the tone and cadence of someone who does understand that point, probably better than she ought to. Some of their experiences detail how fine a line it is to walk between what's considered morally right and taking the plunge down into the abyss. Claire likes to think that she's come no closer than anyone else, despite the things that she has done, would do even now, and emerged without tumbling. ]
What about you? [ She feels uncomfortable, even in a room for two, with the spotlight, talking about herself for longer than it takes to air whatever it is that's bothering her. Maybe it shows. As it stands, she feels weirdly comfortable enough with him to be uncomfortable. Surely that isn't anything to be concerned about. ] Are you okay?
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I have a headache still, [ he admits. ] But as far as-- I don't know, impact goes, it's nothing that'll be giving me nightmares.
[ Nothing's managed to beat the war. ]
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Spell blowback? [ Admittedly it's the physical stuff that concerns her more with him than anything else. Not because she perceives him as weak or ineffective. Hardly. But because she knows his mental fortitude is that much stronger as a result of his experiences. Terrible, shitty experiences, but still. Not to mention being invulnerable means you worry about everyone physically whether necessary or not. ] Or something down in the halls? Like brain capacity overload.
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Yeah, I imagine trying to wrangle a telepath might be mentally taxing. No wonder you have a headache.
[ It's one of the reasons, at least, Claire is sure. She isn't one hundred percent on whether or not he needs to see Nuala because she might be able to help him with his headache or in the way that maybe Claire should be seeing those she helped subdue. Like that's happening any time soon. Rather than asking, Claire sits up, bending her legs underneath her and extending both hands, fingers locked together. ]
I actually have headache healing abilities, did you know that?
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.. I did not know that, no. [ Severus is side-eying her slightly. Don't poke him in the eyeballs, please. ]
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Don't look at me like that. I need to be able to concentrate. [ She places one hand on either side of his head and closes her eyes just long enough to be ridiculous and exhales. After about thirty seconds, she cracks one eye open and looks at the wall. ] Is it working?
[ It's not. ]
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.. Completely.
[ Claire, what. ]
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Good. I was a little worried I'd lost my touch.
[ Go see Nuala, Severus. ]
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Still working. [ Her magic headache cure touch. (No, his head still hurts, but it was cute anyway.) He leans forward to kiss her, silent thank-you for ... this, whatever it is. Also because why not. ]
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[ Somewhere there are probably people who are proud of her for being a total nerd. Claire is certainly more comfortable this way, speaking in general and of the present in itself. It's much easier to act like a dork when you've arrived at no logical, sustainable conclusion for anything, when you know how things are is just how things are. People die and then don't and people get hurt and everything cycles and recycles. Much easier to just kiss and be kissed for a while, for now, rather than discussing or sorting through questions with obvious answers.
Eventually her alarm is going to go off and eventually (prior to that) she is going to have to remove herself from the situation to let the dogs out and do her own thing. This is nice, though, for now. ]