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[darkart]

CXO » 028 » 084
SEVERUS SNAPE

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[pushfall]

Did your jump go okay this time around?

[darkart]

Is it that obvious?

[pushfall]

[ She kind of stares at the screen because it had been more of a cursory investigation than actually calling him out but - it is, now that he mentions it. ]

Maybe a little.

[darkart]

[ William's already pried. Extensively. He doesn't know how to gauge it anymore. ]

Most of it's not my business to discuss.

[pushfall]

It's affected you in some way. That more or less makes it your business.

[darkart]

Just more people who hate me. I've been thinking about what will happen if those who've been kind of me here get caught in inevitable crossfire.

[pushfall]

That isn't your responsibility. People take that onto their own shoulders. I can't speak up for anyone else who's been kind to you but, you know how I feel about that. I care about you. Screw everyone else.

[darkart]

Isn't it my responsibility to be honest?

[pushfall]

I didn't say that, just... the whole crossfire thing. It might boil over tomorrow, and it might never boil over but it's not your fault if someone gets caught up when and if it does. People can make their own decisions.

[darkart]

I don't know what to say.

[ Instead of just not replying. Because he thinks that would piss her off. ]

[pushfall]

[ She recognizes that as progress, and she's thankful for it. ]

I know. You don't have to have anything to say. I get it. I think someone just needs to make you realize that you don't constantly have to take everything onto your own shoulders, alright? If that's my one job while I'm here then I'll annoy you with it until I'm forced to stop.

[darkart]

I do have to.

[ No really that is-- pretty much exactly his life, anymore. ]

[pushfall]

[ God he sounds like Peter. She wants to simultaneously bash his head against a wall and put a helmet on him. ]

Why?

[darkart]

I'm not in prison.

[pushfall]

You mean that in regards to your position in the war at home? What we talked about before?

[darkart]

Yes.

There isn't anything else for me. It's not sad. It's the result of choices I made.

[pushfall]

That doesn't mean you owe yourself any more misery than you're already putting on your own shoulders. I'm not going to argue with you about the kind of person I think you are and the kind of person you think you are, and I'm not going to tell you that maybe there are things here that can be something else, because that's just going to eventually come off as delaying the inevitable or being in some kind of denial. I do know that everything happens for a reason.

[darkart]

I hear that phrase most often at funerals.

[pushfall]

Stop it.

[darkart]

Why? It isn't self-pity. It's awareness. I'd be a fool not to understand.

I can wish it was different. But it isn't.

[pushfall]

Nothing I say is ever going to make you feel any better.

[ Maybe if she knew more, she'd have something better to go on, but she doesn't, and she doesn't have it in her to ask outright. It makes her feel sad in a way that she hasn't in a very long time, and she's thankful this conversation isn't happening in person. ]

Now I don't know what to say.

[darkart]

It doesn't have anything to do with how I feel.

[ She's so nice to him. He doesn't get it. He wants to keep her friendship but at the same time he wants to shove her away so she doesn't learn anything else about him. Is it better to have her hate him for being cruel, or have her hate him what he is? ]

I'm trying.

[pushfall]

I know. This is me trying, too.

[ It's going to come down, sooner or later. Claire just hopes it doesn't catch her completely off-guard so that she has the fortitude to stand by her convictions. ]

How you feel matters to me. It might not matter to you but it does to me. It's a thing and it makes a difference.

[darkart]

Maybe how you feel matters to me, too.

[ So he thinks she deserves better than him. And that she deserves better than getting abuse flung her way for being his friend - which will happen, sooner or later. ]

[pushfall]

That doesn't mean you get to push me away because things are hard. Okay?

[ Not that he's doing that so much anymore, and she isn't accusing him, but she can't stand the thought of having to go through that crushing loneliness that creeps in every time she loses someone to something. Death, distance, reality. It freaks her out just as much as it does him. Claire is just better at hiding it. ]