Working even a little bit is better than not working at all. [ Not that having network access and communication capabilities would in any way make a trip down into the corridors less risky. ] And he could definitely give you a better idea of what it means, yeah, or what to do with it. I personally just figured out how to change the password on my laptop back home.
[ And yes, probably Erik, although she has been actively not thinking about him as much as possible, which ultimately arrives her at his logical conclusion, given the nature of the recon missions and her last foray into the halls. She flops over onto her back. ]
I knew I should've taken computer science instead of intro to... whatever useless thing. English lit or something.
[ So you know. There's that. Severus doesn't even know how to properly frame his experiences with the tech side of things; maybe Osborn will be able to translate his questions. If Osborn is still alive. He hasn't checked in a while. Huh. ]
[ Maybe by like a lap, Claire thinks and turns her head to peer at him dubiously. It's shortlived, following his question, and Claire eventually turns her head to look at the ceiling, showing him her profile while studying the exact spot overhead paneling turns into wall. ]
I honestly don't really know how I feel. I feel weird saying I'm anything less than fine. [ Her response provokes a wince, and she inclines her head to indicate disagreement even with the words that are coming out of her own mouth. ] I should be fine. I am fine. I don't have an issue with what I can do, in theory. I mean, obviously I'm glad for it a lot of the time, but it's - it's been a really long time since I've felt that useful, like I could really do something here, to help people, and how messed up is it that I had to let two people kill me in order to do it and didn't even think twice about it? I practically raised my hand.
[ She laughs, a little, but there isn't really any amusement inherent in the sound. Everything after flows like water from a tap. ]
It was Erik and that woman Odessa that I ran into. Well, Odessa we ran into. Erik I volunteered to help with. And it was so just - I've been shot and blown up, electrocuted. All of it never really mattered. But a lot of this felt so distinctly personal, even if it wasn't directed at me specifically, and if it didn't feel like it was personal then it was just these hyper levels of... I don't know. Violence. I've never been pushed that hard. I was exhausted afterward. I wasn't afraid, but Erik literally ripped me apart. People aren't just supposed to walk away from that and be okay with it, but I did and I am, and it is what it is and that's all there ever is to it. I can't be pissed off at either of them for what happened. I'm just... I'm fine.
Severus listens in silence, letting her talk, taking in words and all the little clips of quiet between the letters. This is important, he understands. Claire saying anything at all and-- what she says, violence, how personal it felt, that's what he's asking about when he asks if she's okay. Severus knows the impact of death, has grown up with it and lived with it pressed to his skin. Even if she doesn't experience the end, she lives in a world of mortals, and it will mean something.
He feels stupid. For involving her with Erik. For believing Odessa. At the same time he understands what she says when she tells him that she felt useful. You have to do what you were born to.
After a time, Severus picks up one of her hands and splays her fingers, pressing his thumb into her palm, gentle. ]
What do you need me to be?
[ In reaction. As support. Should he be fine, should he be angry. He doesn't trust whatever kneejerk response he might have-- she may have no room left for anger, but his capacity for it is endless. But that might not help. He doesn't know. ]
[ She watches her fingers spread with a sort of detached interest, lost in lifts and flickering lights and the humidity of the gardens, everything green and bright. Both of them, in their own right, had been alarming, but she thinks that sometimes she's so beyond the point of fear that none of it can really ever touch her. She's not afraid to get pulled apart, she's not afraid to get gutted. More than anything she's afraid of what it's going to turn her into regardless of how grounded she tries to keep herself.
As for him, Claire doesn't need him to be anything. Experience would dictate that she rather him be nothing, feel nothing, do nothing, let her handle it on her own. Experience might also dictate that asking that is an impossibility. Her fingers flex, the tendons stretched across her palm, underneath his thumb, moving in tandem. ]
I don't know. I've never had anyone ask me what I needed them to be before. People always just were, whether I wanted them to be or not. More careful? [ She admits it carefully and turns her head to look at him, reaches across her shoulders to touch his temple with two fingers and cracks a smile before relaxing back. ] Not angry. On my behalf, at least. [ If Odessa lied then that's her prerogative. ] I'll be fine, and neither of them, none of them, had any idea or control over what they were doing.
[ It warms her in a weird way that he would ask at all. She's so used to her father just charging in, guns blazing, erasing minds and stacking bodies in an effort to be what he assumed she needed, whether it was mobilized armor or a knife from underneath a sleeve. Having the option is a nice change, gives her a little more room to feel more in control of what's happening, encourages her not to shut down entirely. She turns her hand over against his, spreading fingers wide and comparing the length and span between the two sets. ]
How do you stop yourself from becoming completely numb?
[ He looks over at her when she touches his face, calm. He is incredibly careful, actually. Severus is well aware he can't regenerate. Most everyone can't regenerate, and they live their lives accordingly; he understands her perception is skewed. Probably because of how uncareful she is. It's something he accepts. ]
People become jaded with time. Desensitized from overexposure. It's just how we are; we'd all go mad without the ability to adapt that way.
[ She would, too. Death over and over could easily drive her to insanity. Maybe there's something built-in keeping her from it. ]
[ On the one hand, she feels sort of powerless to stop whatever change is going to take place as a result of what and who she is. It's like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun and knowing without fail that the person on the other end is going to pull the trigger. On the other, looking at herself from the outside, Claire can't ever imagine not caring about something. It's the not knowing what that will be in a hundred years that worries her.
But that's in a hundred years. Maybe she'll get to the point where it passes in the blink of an eye, but not today. Probably not tomorrow either. Right now, minutes linger on and hours not spent shrugging off earned exhaustion feel limitless. ]
I know I've changed since this whole thing started. Not the dreaming episodes or the ship or anything. This whole special powers thing. I'm not the same person that I was three years ago. I think if me then looked at me now, and vice versa, we wouldn't recognize each other. I'm not totally ungrateful for it. I was always just a victim, then. So maybe that means I am getting jaded. Desensitized. I know that after a certain line was crossed, everything else that happened didn't compare. [ No matter how brutal the violence, nothing is ever going to be as invasive on so many levels as what Sylar did to her was. ] I like to think that I'm a long way off from not giving a damn, so maybe it doesn't mean jaded, just different, I guess.
[ Severus can't imagine that experience-- suddenly having an ability, already grown, the world changing inside out in a day. He wonders if Lily felt like that when he first came to her under that tree. But they were so small then, and children adapt to change with ease. ]
People choose to become monsters.
[ He doesn't know what it's like to live for hundreds of years, but he knows that. ]
[ Spoken with the tone and cadence of someone who does understand that point, probably better than she ought to. Some of their experiences detail how fine a line it is to walk between what's considered morally right and taking the plunge down into the abyss. Claire likes to think that she's come no closer than anyone else, despite the things that she has done, would do even now, and emerged without tumbling. ]
What about you? [ She feels uncomfortable, even in a room for two, with the spotlight, talking about herself for longer than it takes to air whatever it is that's bothering her. Maybe it shows. As it stands, she feels weirdly comfortable enough with him to be uncomfortable. Surely that isn't anything to be concerned about. ] Are you okay?
[ It's probably good to talk about. Maybe. Severus often doesn't feel any better when he does, but he tends to only have issues concerning really awful things. He's somewhat comforted by being able to be here for Claire, at least. ]
I have a headache still, [ he admits. ] But as far as-- I don't know, impact goes, it's nothing that'll be giving me nightmares.
[ If prompted, Claire isn't sure whether or not she could attest to actually feeling better or not. As it is most of the time, it's something she just shelves and won't deal with later, stored in the back of her mind with all the other thoughts that are one day bound to come raging out the way that they used to, no holds barred. For now, she frowns vaguely and makes a hmm sound before rolling over to face him. ]
Spell blowback? [ Admittedly it's the physical stuff that concerns her more with him than anything else. Not because she perceives him as weak or ineffective. Hardly. But because she knows his mental fortitude is that much stronger as a result of his experiences. Terrible, shitty experiences, but still. Not to mention being invulnerable means you worry about everyone physically whether necessary or not. ] Or something down in the halls? Like brain capacity overload.
Probably brain capacity overload? [ Question mark because his voice goes up, because he's nnooot totally sure? Squint. It's not spell blowback; he meant that earlier to mean shrapnel. But he definitely over-exerted the magic that protects his mind. ] I do need to see Nuala today. She was impacted by this, and subduing her was a struggle for both of us, due to her telepathy.
[ Squint met with squint. It doesn't hold long, however. ]
Yeah, I imagine trying to wrangle a telepath might be mentally taxing. No wonder you have a headache.
[ It's one of the reasons, at least, Claire is sure. She isn't one hundred percent on whether or not he needs to see Nuala because she might be able to help him with his headache or in the way that maybe Claire should be seeing those she helped subdue. Like that's happening any time soon. Rather than asking, Claire sits up, bending her legs underneath her and extending both hands, fingers locked together. ]
I actually have headache healing abilities, did you know that?
[ He just needs to make sure that nothing he did to stop Nuala has ended up hurting her-- or so he believes. Ultimately he's going to get forced into a deeper kind of enchanted sleep, because his head is worse than he believes. But it'll be fine in a week, so. ]
.. I did not know that, no. [ Severus is side-eying her slightly. Don't poke him in the eyeballs, please. ]
[ Those pesky immortals. Always getting the jump on you and forcing you into a therapeutic sleep. Privately she thinks that spending time in the gardens might actually do more for anyone based solely on the fact that they can be a peaceful place if you aren't furiously trying to make sure none of the equipment breaks down and people aren't stealing vegetation. Or pot. ]
Don't look at me like that. I need to be able to concentrate. [ She places one hand on either side of his head and closes her eyes just long enough to be ridiculous and exhales. After about thirty seconds, she cracks one eye open and looks at the wall. ] Is it working?
All right.. [ Briefly he raises one hand in surrender. Ok ok concentrate. AND THEN .. What. Severus makes a noise like he's trying not to laugh, but settles. ]
[ It's a nice change of pace. Things were getting too serious around here. Skirting dangerously close to an overabundance of feelings. Claire sits back on her heels. ]
[ You weirdo. Severus sits up, runs a hand through his hair-- pointlessly, it's never going to look right; he's got about an hour before it starts looking slightly gross, anyway. ]
Still working. [ Her magic headache cure touch. (No, his head still hurts, but it was cute anyway.) He leans forward to kiss her, silent thank-you for ... this, whatever it is. Also because why not. ]
[ Somewhere there are probably people who are proud of her for being a total nerd. Claire is certainly more comfortable this way, speaking in general and of the present in itself. It's much easier to act like a dork when you've arrived at no logical, sustainable conclusion for anything, when you know how things are is just how things are. People die and then don't and people get hurt and everything cycles and recycles. Much easier to just kiss and be kissed for a while, for now, rather than discussing or sorting through questions with obvious answers.
Eventually her alarm is going to go off and eventually (prior to that) she is going to have to remove herself from the situation to let the dogs out and do her own thing. This is nice, though, for now. ]
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[ And yes, probably Erik, although she has been actively not thinking about him as much as possible, which ultimately arrives her at his logical conclusion, given the nature of the recon missions and her last foray into the halls. She flops over onto her back. ]
I knew I should've taken computer science instead of intro to... whatever useless thing. English lit or something.
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[ So you know. There's that. Severus doesn't even know how to properly frame his experiences with the tech side of things; maybe Osborn will be able to translate his questions. If Osborn is still alive. He hasn't checked in a while. Huh. ]
You still all right?
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I honestly don't really know how I feel. I feel weird saying I'm anything less than fine. [ Her response provokes a wince, and she inclines her head to indicate disagreement even with the words that are coming out of her own mouth. ] I should be fine. I am fine. I don't have an issue with what I can do, in theory. I mean, obviously I'm glad for it a lot of the time, but it's - it's been a really long time since I've felt that useful, like I could really do something here, to help people, and how messed up is it that I had to let two people kill me in order to do it and didn't even think twice about it? I practically raised my hand.
[ She laughs, a little, but there isn't really any amusement inherent in the sound. Everything after flows like water from a tap. ]
It was Erik and that woman Odessa that I ran into. Well, Odessa we ran into. Erik I volunteered to help with. And it was so just - I've been shot and blown up, electrocuted. All of it never really mattered. But a lot of this felt so distinctly personal, even if it wasn't directed at me specifically, and if it didn't feel like it was personal then it was just these hyper levels of... I don't know. Violence. I've never been pushed that hard. I was exhausted afterward. I wasn't afraid, but Erik literally ripped me apart. People aren't just supposed to walk away from that and be okay with it, but I did and I am, and it is what it is and that's all there ever is to it. I can't be pissed off at either of them for what happened. I'm just... I'm fine.
[ There's no room left for anger anyway. ]
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Erik literally ripped me apart
Severus listens in silence, letting her talk, taking in words and all the little clips of quiet between the letters. This is important, he understands. Claire saying anything at all and-- what she says, violence, how personal it felt, that's what he's asking about when he asks if she's okay. Severus knows the impact of death, has grown up with it and lived with it pressed to his skin. Even if she doesn't experience the end, she lives in a world of mortals, and it will mean something.
He feels stupid. For involving her with Erik. For believing Odessa. At the same time he understands what she says when she tells him that she felt useful. You have to do what you were born to.
After a time, Severus picks up one of her hands and splays her fingers, pressing his thumb into her palm, gentle. ]
What do you need me to be?
[ In reaction. As support. Should he be fine, should he be angry. He doesn't trust whatever kneejerk response he might have-- she may have no room left for anger, but his capacity for it is endless. But that might not help. He doesn't know. ]
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As for him, Claire doesn't need him to be anything. Experience would dictate that she rather him be nothing, feel nothing, do nothing, let her handle it on her own. Experience might also dictate that asking that is an impossibility. Her fingers flex, the tendons stretched across her palm, underneath his thumb, moving in tandem. ]
I don't know. I've never had anyone ask me what I needed them to be before. People always just were, whether I wanted them to be or not. More careful? [ She admits it carefully and turns her head to look at him, reaches across her shoulders to touch his temple with two fingers and cracks a smile before relaxing back. ] Not angry. On my behalf, at least. [ If Odessa lied then that's her prerogative. ] I'll be fine, and neither of them, none of them, had any idea or control over what they were doing.
[ It warms her in a weird way that he would ask at all. She's so used to her father just charging in, guns blazing, erasing minds and stacking bodies in an effort to be what he assumed she needed, whether it was mobilized armor or a knife from underneath a sleeve. Having the option is a nice change, gives her a little more room to feel more in control of what's happening, encourages her not to shut down entirely. She turns her hand over against his, spreading fingers wide and comparing the length and span between the two sets. ]
How do you stop yourself from becoming completely numb?
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People become jaded with time. Desensitized from overexposure. It's just how we are; we'd all go mad without the ability to adapt that way.
[ She would, too. Death over and over could easily drive her to insanity. Maybe there's something built-in keeping her from it. ]
I don't know. Giving a damn, maybe.
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But that's in a hundred years. Maybe she'll get to the point where it passes in the blink of an eye, but not today. Probably not tomorrow either. Right now, minutes linger on and hours not spent shrugging off earned exhaustion feel limitless. ]
I know I've changed since this whole thing started. Not the dreaming episodes or the ship or anything. This whole special powers thing. I'm not the same person that I was three years ago. I think if me then looked at me now, and vice versa, we wouldn't recognize each other. I'm not totally ungrateful for it. I was always just a victim, then. So maybe that means I am getting jaded. Desensitized. I know that after a certain line was crossed, everything else that happened didn't compare. [ No matter how brutal the violence, nothing is ever going to be as invasive on so many levels as what Sylar did to her was. ] I like to think that I'm a long way off from not giving a damn, so maybe it doesn't mean jaded, just different, I guess.
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People choose to become monsters.
[ He doesn't know what it's like to live for hundreds of years, but he knows that. ]
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[ Spoken with the tone and cadence of someone who does understand that point, probably better than she ought to. Some of their experiences detail how fine a line it is to walk between what's considered morally right and taking the plunge down into the abyss. Claire likes to think that she's come no closer than anyone else, despite the things that she has done, would do even now, and emerged without tumbling. ]
What about you? [ She feels uncomfortable, even in a room for two, with the spotlight, talking about herself for longer than it takes to air whatever it is that's bothering her. Maybe it shows. As it stands, she feels weirdly comfortable enough with him to be uncomfortable. Surely that isn't anything to be concerned about. ] Are you okay?
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I have a headache still, [ he admits. ] But as far as-- I don't know, impact goes, it's nothing that'll be giving me nightmares.
[ Nothing's managed to beat the war. ]
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Spell blowback? [ Admittedly it's the physical stuff that concerns her more with him than anything else. Not because she perceives him as weak or ineffective. Hardly. But because she knows his mental fortitude is that much stronger as a result of his experiences. Terrible, shitty experiences, but still. Not to mention being invulnerable means you worry about everyone physically whether necessary or not. ] Or something down in the halls? Like brain capacity overload.
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Yeah, I imagine trying to wrangle a telepath might be mentally taxing. No wonder you have a headache.
[ It's one of the reasons, at least, Claire is sure. She isn't one hundred percent on whether or not he needs to see Nuala because she might be able to help him with his headache or in the way that maybe Claire should be seeing those she helped subdue. Like that's happening any time soon. Rather than asking, Claire sits up, bending her legs underneath her and extending both hands, fingers locked together. ]
I actually have headache healing abilities, did you know that?
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.. I did not know that, no. [ Severus is side-eying her slightly. Don't poke him in the eyeballs, please. ]
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Don't look at me like that. I need to be able to concentrate. [ She places one hand on either side of his head and closes her eyes just long enough to be ridiculous and exhales. After about thirty seconds, she cracks one eye open and looks at the wall. ] Is it working?
[ It's not. ]
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.. Completely.
[ Claire, what. ]
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Good. I was a little worried I'd lost my touch.
[ Go see Nuala, Severus. ]
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Still working. [ Her magic headache cure touch. (No, his head still hurts, but it was cute anyway.) He leans forward to kiss her, silent thank-you for ... this, whatever it is. Also because why not. ]
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[ Somewhere there are probably people who are proud of her for being a total nerd. Claire is certainly more comfortable this way, speaking in general and of the present in itself. It's much easier to act like a dork when you've arrived at no logical, sustainable conclusion for anything, when you know how things are is just how things are. People die and then don't and people get hurt and everything cycles and recycles. Much easier to just kiss and be kissed for a while, for now, rather than discussing or sorting through questions with obvious answers.
Eventually her alarm is going to go off and eventually (prior to that) she is going to have to remove herself from the situation to let the dogs out and do her own thing. This is nice, though, for now. ]