[ Her kneejerk reaction now is to fish her comm out from under the pillow where it has ended up and power up the network to distribute passive aggressive and bratty comments to anyone who thinks setting up a Christmas party in the wake of what has happened is a good idea, but it seems like more trouble than it's worth. In some ways, Claire feels like she's growing as a person, in that respect. In other ways, she feels like the rewards for being more detached regarding situations like that vastly outweigh the satisfaction derived from saying anything at all; namely, less time spent wallowing in frustration and more spent in a dark cocoon that smells vaguely like shampoo.
A little of the pale light from the room creeps in via the gap between blanket and pillow letting cool air in, and Claire uses that as a guide to trace her eye and then her thumb across the thin skin showing dark blood vessels underneath the red bloom of his sclera. At the mention of William and what follows, she pulls back a bit. ]
Probably stay in isolation for a while, just for starters. It wasn't anything he did on purpose, right? [ Her tone doesn't show any anger, maybe some tired resignation, but even if he didn't mean to hurt anyone, he did, in a sense. It's something that needs to be considered. ] What did you see down there?
Not on purpose, no. [ Severus is mostly angry that William handled it the way he did - running off and making it worse instead of immediately seeking help. It was a massive error in judgement and the severity of the consequences can't just be written off as accidental. ] Bits of things from home, some unpleasant landscapes that were familiar to Heather. No murals, minimal odd noises. It was most like the labyrinth of memory recreations after Shepard's last reconnaissance.
[ She shudders, primarily for effect, and pulls her hand back to join the other under the pillow. The atmosphere they had all been submerged in following that particular recon mission is something she's happier not reliving. ]
He shouldn't have run. [ Whether to avoid facing responsibility or any other thing he might have seen as a logical conclusion, if he was even in control of himself. Claire assumes yes, as that isn't what Severus had led with. ] Getting lured out there under any sort of pretense is bad news. You already looked pretty beat up before you went down there, when I saw you in medbay.
[ She can assume Rey without too much extrapolation. Anything else is a murky unknown. ]
Cosmetic. [ It's not a bluff - his injuries were superficial for the most part, adding up to be an annoyance but nothing traumatic. It's his head that's the real issue, but he's not going to talk about that just yet. Not only does he not want to worry her, he's not sure what he'd even say about it. There's no use stacking up 'I don't know's, especially now. ] I had a couple run-ins but most of the mess was dodging spell blowback. Very little actually hit me. And I didn't run into Black at all, so no one was taking any cheap shots.
[ Under the blankets is beginning to feel a little like an oven, so she tosses them back and props her head up on her hand, leaning on her elbow. At the mention of Sirius, her eyebrows jump. ]
Wow, stop the presses. [ She's only half-sarcastic, given the last time something insane happened. Claire scratches her forehead then digs thumb and middle finger into the hollows of her eyes, rubbing. ] It's a good thing you were able to find William before things went further than cosmetic. I don't know how much longer it could have continued like that, even with people figuring out how to shake people out of it.
I think it would have probably gotten all of us, eventually. Or William would have shot himself in the head.
[ Severus sounds more blank than he should relating that tidbit, but that's what William was contemplating when he contacted him and Heather. He's aware of how narrow of a miss it was. ]
It's done. I'm more interested in the changes in what went on in the hallways, to be honest.
[ Claire makes a noise of a agreement. Having been down there a small handful of times, she sort of feels like she has a personal investment even if she's aware that she's unlikely to ever understand it. ]
I feel like every time we go down there for one reason or another, something is different. [ Her top front teeth worry her bottom lip. Not being there has her at a disadvantage. ] Any theories?
[ He exhales, leaning halfway on his back. The whole thing was a nuisance, and not anything he wanted to experience again. ]
I don't know, but the network worked. William was able to contact us, and so I figured he wasn't that far in. But he was-- and when we were there, in the midst of these reconstructions, we could talk to each other.
[ She screws up her face a little, perplexed and kind of astonished, and adjusts herself so that she is up higher. After what always felt like weeks and weeks of no communication with anyone, learning that they had network access honestly does come as something of a shock. ]
That's weird. [ Not enough of a shock not to state the obvious, but still. ] Why would service suddenly be available down there? What, did Smiley build a cell tower while we were all trying to stop each other from murdering people? Maybe the ship wanted whatever William can do to be stopped, like it was getting in the way or something.
We're on a different network. [ He looks up at her, contemplative. The ship could well have wanted this handled, too; it's a theory worth adding to the list. ] The one we've been using was made up of spare parts and hijacking the existing one that no one could ever properly access. It was destroyed by a virus, and now we're using the network native to the ship.
[ Pause. ]
I think.
[ ... Computers?? If it sounds like he's just repeating Ryuuzaki, it's because he totally is. ]
[ Silence between two people, even contemplative, always seems like it stretches into infinity. When that silence is comprised of mutual perplexity, it seems even longer. Severus might possess more frustrations with technology than she ever will, having been born into it, but her experience and knowledge begins and ends with restarting the wireless router in the living room to make the wifi reboot itself. ]
I wonder if it would still work if we tried to go down there again, now that the old network got all infected with that virus and crashed. If it works, then we know it's not just some kind of defense mechanism trying to get William's... influence or whatever out of its way, if we can actually relay back between the halls and comms. [ She looks at the spot where the pillow separates from the mattress and arches an eyebrow. ] I wonder what else it's got on it.
It still cut out sometimes, but it worked more than we've ever experienced before. I don't know if it's the "subnetwork" [ ??? .... ?????? ] or something else. I imagine I should tell Ryuuzaki.
[ And Erik. If Erik is ever let out of that room again. ]
Working even a little bit is better than not working at all. [ Not that having network access and communication capabilities would in any way make a trip down into the corridors less risky. ] And he could definitely give you a better idea of what it means, yeah, or what to do with it. I personally just figured out how to change the password on my laptop back home.
[ And yes, probably Erik, although she has been actively not thinking about him as much as possible, which ultimately arrives her at his logical conclusion, given the nature of the recon missions and her last foray into the halls. She flops over onto her back. ]
I knew I should've taken computer science instead of intro to... whatever useless thing. English lit or something.
[ So you know. There's that. Severus doesn't even know how to properly frame his experiences with the tech side of things; maybe Osborn will be able to translate his questions. If Osborn is still alive. He hasn't checked in a while. Huh. ]
[ Maybe by like a lap, Claire thinks and turns her head to peer at him dubiously. It's shortlived, following his question, and Claire eventually turns her head to look at the ceiling, showing him her profile while studying the exact spot overhead paneling turns into wall. ]
I honestly don't really know how I feel. I feel weird saying I'm anything less than fine. [ Her response provokes a wince, and she inclines her head to indicate disagreement even with the words that are coming out of her own mouth. ] I should be fine. I am fine. I don't have an issue with what I can do, in theory. I mean, obviously I'm glad for it a lot of the time, but it's - it's been a really long time since I've felt that useful, like I could really do something here, to help people, and how messed up is it that I had to let two people kill me in order to do it and didn't even think twice about it? I practically raised my hand.
[ She laughs, a little, but there isn't really any amusement inherent in the sound. Everything after flows like water from a tap. ]
It was Erik and that woman Odessa that I ran into. Well, Odessa we ran into. Erik I volunteered to help with. And it was so just - I've been shot and blown up, electrocuted. All of it never really mattered. But a lot of this felt so distinctly personal, even if it wasn't directed at me specifically, and if it didn't feel like it was personal then it was just these hyper levels of... I don't know. Violence. I've never been pushed that hard. I was exhausted afterward. I wasn't afraid, but Erik literally ripped me apart. People aren't just supposed to walk away from that and be okay with it, but I did and I am, and it is what it is and that's all there ever is to it. I can't be pissed off at either of them for what happened. I'm just... I'm fine.
Severus listens in silence, letting her talk, taking in words and all the little clips of quiet between the letters. This is important, he understands. Claire saying anything at all and-- what she says, violence, how personal it felt, that's what he's asking about when he asks if she's okay. Severus knows the impact of death, has grown up with it and lived with it pressed to his skin. Even if she doesn't experience the end, she lives in a world of mortals, and it will mean something.
He feels stupid. For involving her with Erik. For believing Odessa. At the same time he understands what she says when she tells him that she felt useful. You have to do what you were born to.
After a time, Severus picks up one of her hands and splays her fingers, pressing his thumb into her palm, gentle. ]
What do you need me to be?
[ In reaction. As support. Should he be fine, should he be angry. He doesn't trust whatever kneejerk response he might have-- she may have no room left for anger, but his capacity for it is endless. But that might not help. He doesn't know. ]
[ She watches her fingers spread with a sort of detached interest, lost in lifts and flickering lights and the humidity of the gardens, everything green and bright. Both of them, in their own right, had been alarming, but she thinks that sometimes she's so beyond the point of fear that none of it can really ever touch her. She's not afraid to get pulled apart, she's not afraid to get gutted. More than anything she's afraid of what it's going to turn her into regardless of how grounded she tries to keep herself.
As for him, Claire doesn't need him to be anything. Experience would dictate that she rather him be nothing, feel nothing, do nothing, let her handle it on her own. Experience might also dictate that asking that is an impossibility. Her fingers flex, the tendons stretched across her palm, underneath his thumb, moving in tandem. ]
I don't know. I've never had anyone ask me what I needed them to be before. People always just were, whether I wanted them to be or not. More careful? [ She admits it carefully and turns her head to look at him, reaches across her shoulders to touch his temple with two fingers and cracks a smile before relaxing back. ] Not angry. On my behalf, at least. [ If Odessa lied then that's her prerogative. ] I'll be fine, and neither of them, none of them, had any idea or control over what they were doing.
[ It warms her in a weird way that he would ask at all. She's so used to her father just charging in, guns blazing, erasing minds and stacking bodies in an effort to be what he assumed she needed, whether it was mobilized armor or a knife from underneath a sleeve. Having the option is a nice change, gives her a little more room to feel more in control of what's happening, encourages her not to shut down entirely. She turns her hand over against his, spreading fingers wide and comparing the length and span between the two sets. ]
How do you stop yourself from becoming completely numb?
[ He looks over at her when she touches his face, calm. He is incredibly careful, actually. Severus is well aware he can't regenerate. Most everyone can't regenerate, and they live their lives accordingly; he understands her perception is skewed. Probably because of how uncareful she is. It's something he accepts. ]
People become jaded with time. Desensitized from overexposure. It's just how we are; we'd all go mad without the ability to adapt that way.
[ She would, too. Death over and over could easily drive her to insanity. Maybe there's something built-in keeping her from it. ]
[ On the one hand, she feels sort of powerless to stop whatever change is going to take place as a result of what and who she is. It's like looking down the barrel of a loaded gun and knowing without fail that the person on the other end is going to pull the trigger. On the other, looking at herself from the outside, Claire can't ever imagine not caring about something. It's the not knowing what that will be in a hundred years that worries her.
But that's in a hundred years. Maybe she'll get to the point where it passes in the blink of an eye, but not today. Probably not tomorrow either. Right now, minutes linger on and hours not spent shrugging off earned exhaustion feel limitless. ]
I know I've changed since this whole thing started. Not the dreaming episodes or the ship or anything. This whole special powers thing. I'm not the same person that I was three years ago. I think if me then looked at me now, and vice versa, we wouldn't recognize each other. I'm not totally ungrateful for it. I was always just a victim, then. So maybe that means I am getting jaded. Desensitized. I know that after a certain line was crossed, everything else that happened didn't compare. [ No matter how brutal the violence, nothing is ever going to be as invasive on so many levels as what Sylar did to her was. ] I like to think that I'm a long way off from not giving a damn, so maybe it doesn't mean jaded, just different, I guess.
[ Severus can't imagine that experience-- suddenly having an ability, already grown, the world changing inside out in a day. He wonders if Lily felt like that when he first came to her under that tree. But they were so small then, and children adapt to change with ease. ]
People choose to become monsters.
[ He doesn't know what it's like to live for hundreds of years, but he knows that. ]
[ Spoken with the tone and cadence of someone who does understand that point, probably better than she ought to. Some of their experiences detail how fine a line it is to walk between what's considered morally right and taking the plunge down into the abyss. Claire likes to think that she's come no closer than anyone else, despite the things that she has done, would do even now, and emerged without tumbling. ]
What about you? [ She feels uncomfortable, even in a room for two, with the spotlight, talking about herself for longer than it takes to air whatever it is that's bothering her. Maybe it shows. As it stands, she feels weirdly comfortable enough with him to be uncomfortable. Surely that isn't anything to be concerned about. ] Are you okay?
[ It's probably good to talk about. Maybe. Severus often doesn't feel any better when he does, but he tends to only have issues concerning really awful things. He's somewhat comforted by being able to be here for Claire, at least. ]
I have a headache still, [ he admits. ] But as far as-- I don't know, impact goes, it's nothing that'll be giving me nightmares.
[ If prompted, Claire isn't sure whether or not she could attest to actually feeling better or not. As it is most of the time, it's something she just shelves and won't deal with later, stored in the back of her mind with all the other thoughts that are one day bound to come raging out the way that they used to, no holds barred. For now, she frowns vaguely and makes a hmm sound before rolling over to face him. ]
Spell blowback? [ Admittedly it's the physical stuff that concerns her more with him than anything else. Not because she perceives him as weak or ineffective. Hardly. But because she knows his mental fortitude is that much stronger as a result of his experiences. Terrible, shitty experiences, but still. Not to mention being invulnerable means you worry about everyone physically whether necessary or not. ] Or something down in the halls? Like brain capacity overload.
Probably brain capacity overload? [ Question mark because his voice goes up, because he's nnooot totally sure? Squint. It's not spell blowback; he meant that earlier to mean shrapnel. But he definitely over-exerted the magic that protects his mind. ] I do need to see Nuala today. She was impacted by this, and subduing her was a struggle for both of us, due to her telepathy.
[ Squint met with squint. It doesn't hold long, however. ]
Yeah, I imagine trying to wrangle a telepath might be mentally taxing. No wonder you have a headache.
[ It's one of the reasons, at least, Claire is sure. She isn't one hundred percent on whether or not he needs to see Nuala because she might be able to help him with his headache or in the way that maybe Claire should be seeing those she helped subdue. Like that's happening any time soon. Rather than asking, Claire sits up, bending her legs underneath her and extending both hands, fingers locked together. ]
I actually have headache healing abilities, did you know that?
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A little of the pale light from the room creeps in via the gap between blanket and pillow letting cool air in, and Claire uses that as a guide to trace her eye and then her thumb across the thin skin showing dark blood vessels underneath the red bloom of his sclera. At the mention of William and what follows, she pulls back a bit. ]
Probably stay in isolation for a while, just for starters. It wasn't anything he did on purpose, right? [ Her tone doesn't show any anger, maybe some tired resignation, but even if he didn't mean to hurt anyone, he did, in a sense. It's something that needs to be considered. ] What did you see down there?
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He shouldn't have run. [ Whether to avoid facing responsibility or any other thing he might have seen as a logical conclusion, if he was even in control of himself. Claire assumes yes, as that isn't what Severus had led with. ] Getting lured out there under any sort of pretense is bad news. You already looked pretty beat up before you went down there, when I saw you in medbay.
[ She can assume Rey without too much extrapolation. Anything else is a murky unknown. ]
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Wow, stop the presses. [ She's only half-sarcastic, given the last time something insane happened. Claire scratches her forehead then digs thumb and middle finger into the hollows of her eyes, rubbing. ] It's a good thing you were able to find William before things went further than cosmetic. I don't know how much longer it could have continued like that, even with people figuring out how to shake people out of it.
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[ Severus sounds more blank than he should relating that tidbit, but that's what William was contemplating when he contacted him and Heather. He's aware of how narrow of a miss it was. ]
It's done. I'm more interested in the changes in what went on in the hallways, to be honest.
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I feel like every time we go down there for one reason or another, something is different. [ Her top front teeth worry her bottom lip. Not being there has her at a disadvantage. ] Any theories?
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I don't know, but the network worked. William was able to contact us, and so I figured he wasn't that far in. But he was-- and when we were there, in the midst of these reconstructions, we could talk to each other.
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That's weird. [ Not enough of a shock not to state the obvious, but still. ] Why would service suddenly be available down there? What, did Smiley build a cell tower while we were all trying to stop each other from murdering people? Maybe the ship wanted whatever William can do to be stopped, like it was getting in the way or something.
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[ Pause. ]
I think.
[ ... Computers?? If it sounds like he's just repeating Ryuuzaki, it's because he totally is. ]
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I wonder if it would still work if we tried to go down there again, now that the old network got all infected with that virus and crashed. If it works, then we know it's not just some kind of defense mechanism trying to get William's... influence or whatever out of its way, if we can actually relay back between the halls and comms. [ She looks at the spot where the pillow separates from the mattress and arches an eyebrow. ] I wonder what else it's got on it.
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[ And Erik. If Erik is ever let out of that room again. ]
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[ And yes, probably Erik, although she has been actively not thinking about him as much as possible, which ultimately arrives her at his logical conclusion, given the nature of the recon missions and her last foray into the halls. She flops over onto her back. ]
I knew I should've taken computer science instead of intro to... whatever useless thing. English lit or something.
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[ So you know. There's that. Severus doesn't even know how to properly frame his experiences with the tech side of things; maybe Osborn will be able to translate his questions. If Osborn is still alive. He hasn't checked in a while. Huh. ]
You still all right?
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I honestly don't really know how I feel. I feel weird saying I'm anything less than fine. [ Her response provokes a wince, and she inclines her head to indicate disagreement even with the words that are coming out of her own mouth. ] I should be fine. I am fine. I don't have an issue with what I can do, in theory. I mean, obviously I'm glad for it a lot of the time, but it's - it's been a really long time since I've felt that useful, like I could really do something here, to help people, and how messed up is it that I had to let two people kill me in order to do it and didn't even think twice about it? I practically raised my hand.
[ She laughs, a little, but there isn't really any amusement inherent in the sound. Everything after flows like water from a tap. ]
It was Erik and that woman Odessa that I ran into. Well, Odessa we ran into. Erik I volunteered to help with. And it was so just - I've been shot and blown up, electrocuted. All of it never really mattered. But a lot of this felt so distinctly personal, even if it wasn't directed at me specifically, and if it didn't feel like it was personal then it was just these hyper levels of... I don't know. Violence. I've never been pushed that hard. I was exhausted afterward. I wasn't afraid, but Erik literally ripped me apart. People aren't just supposed to walk away from that and be okay with it, but I did and I am, and it is what it is and that's all there ever is to it. I can't be pissed off at either of them for what happened. I'm just... I'm fine.
[ There's no room left for anger anyway. ]
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Erik literally ripped me apart
Severus listens in silence, letting her talk, taking in words and all the little clips of quiet between the letters. This is important, he understands. Claire saying anything at all and-- what she says, violence, how personal it felt, that's what he's asking about when he asks if she's okay. Severus knows the impact of death, has grown up with it and lived with it pressed to his skin. Even if she doesn't experience the end, she lives in a world of mortals, and it will mean something.
He feels stupid. For involving her with Erik. For believing Odessa. At the same time he understands what she says when she tells him that she felt useful. You have to do what you were born to.
After a time, Severus picks up one of her hands and splays her fingers, pressing his thumb into her palm, gentle. ]
What do you need me to be?
[ In reaction. As support. Should he be fine, should he be angry. He doesn't trust whatever kneejerk response he might have-- she may have no room left for anger, but his capacity for it is endless. But that might not help. He doesn't know. ]
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As for him, Claire doesn't need him to be anything. Experience would dictate that she rather him be nothing, feel nothing, do nothing, let her handle it on her own. Experience might also dictate that asking that is an impossibility. Her fingers flex, the tendons stretched across her palm, underneath his thumb, moving in tandem. ]
I don't know. I've never had anyone ask me what I needed them to be before. People always just were, whether I wanted them to be or not. More careful? [ She admits it carefully and turns her head to look at him, reaches across her shoulders to touch his temple with two fingers and cracks a smile before relaxing back. ] Not angry. On my behalf, at least. [ If Odessa lied then that's her prerogative. ] I'll be fine, and neither of them, none of them, had any idea or control over what they were doing.
[ It warms her in a weird way that he would ask at all. She's so used to her father just charging in, guns blazing, erasing minds and stacking bodies in an effort to be what he assumed she needed, whether it was mobilized armor or a knife from underneath a sleeve. Having the option is a nice change, gives her a little more room to feel more in control of what's happening, encourages her not to shut down entirely. She turns her hand over against his, spreading fingers wide and comparing the length and span between the two sets. ]
How do you stop yourself from becoming completely numb?
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People become jaded with time. Desensitized from overexposure. It's just how we are; we'd all go mad without the ability to adapt that way.
[ She would, too. Death over and over could easily drive her to insanity. Maybe there's something built-in keeping her from it. ]
I don't know. Giving a damn, maybe.
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But that's in a hundred years. Maybe she'll get to the point where it passes in the blink of an eye, but not today. Probably not tomorrow either. Right now, minutes linger on and hours not spent shrugging off earned exhaustion feel limitless. ]
I know I've changed since this whole thing started. Not the dreaming episodes or the ship or anything. This whole special powers thing. I'm not the same person that I was three years ago. I think if me then looked at me now, and vice versa, we wouldn't recognize each other. I'm not totally ungrateful for it. I was always just a victim, then. So maybe that means I am getting jaded. Desensitized. I know that after a certain line was crossed, everything else that happened didn't compare. [ No matter how brutal the violence, nothing is ever going to be as invasive on so many levels as what Sylar did to her was. ] I like to think that I'm a long way off from not giving a damn, so maybe it doesn't mean jaded, just different, I guess.
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People choose to become monsters.
[ He doesn't know what it's like to live for hundreds of years, but he knows that. ]
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[ Spoken with the tone and cadence of someone who does understand that point, probably better than she ought to. Some of their experiences detail how fine a line it is to walk between what's considered morally right and taking the plunge down into the abyss. Claire likes to think that she's come no closer than anyone else, despite the things that she has done, would do even now, and emerged without tumbling. ]
What about you? [ She feels uncomfortable, even in a room for two, with the spotlight, talking about herself for longer than it takes to air whatever it is that's bothering her. Maybe it shows. As it stands, she feels weirdly comfortable enough with him to be uncomfortable. Surely that isn't anything to be concerned about. ] Are you okay?
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I have a headache still, [ he admits. ] But as far as-- I don't know, impact goes, it's nothing that'll be giving me nightmares.
[ Nothing's managed to beat the war. ]
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Spell blowback? [ Admittedly it's the physical stuff that concerns her more with him than anything else. Not because she perceives him as weak or ineffective. Hardly. But because she knows his mental fortitude is that much stronger as a result of his experiences. Terrible, shitty experiences, but still. Not to mention being invulnerable means you worry about everyone physically whether necessary or not. ] Or something down in the halls? Like brain capacity overload.
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Yeah, I imagine trying to wrangle a telepath might be mentally taxing. No wonder you have a headache.
[ It's one of the reasons, at least, Claire is sure. She isn't one hundred percent on whether or not he needs to see Nuala because she might be able to help him with his headache or in the way that maybe Claire should be seeing those she helped subdue. Like that's happening any time soon. Rather than asking, Claire sits up, bending her legs underneath her and extending both hands, fingers locked together. ]
I actually have headache healing abilities, did you know that?
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