Most witches and wizards can't do potionmaking properly. [ So she shouldn't worry in that respect. Also wizards and witches can't regenerate limbs once they've been mauled off.
He watches her, staying where he is. The little room smells a bit like mint from the balm he makes for his hands with the faintest remnants of tobacco; there's a mug on the small dresser that he uses as an ash tray, but it's cleaned and empty. He doesn't smoke all that much. ]
I hadn't seen it in years until I got here, [ he says of the scarf. ] Slytherin house colors. I think it must be the one I had as a student.
You get a scarf from the past, and I can't even get a change of sheets.
[ Maybe now that all the Petrellis have vacated the ship, she'll get her chance to shine in the goods from home department, some cosmic balance tipping in her favor. Spike had found her plenty of things before he just disappeared, but nothing to brighten up anything in that sardine tin. Claire has pieced things together in order to make it look less like a cell of some kind, but her bedrooms have always been open and airy and organized with color. It isn't really a big deal, but she notices. ]
I like the colors. Back in Odessa, our colors were red and white. Different shades of blue in California. Never saw any green and silver personally.
[ Having turned away while folding the thick material in her hands to look at some of the other odds and ends, Claire lets the scarf unravel as she turns back and takes the one step necessary to bringing her within reaching distance. Sloppily - still, almost nervously, as if unsure if she should be doing anything at all - she drapes it over his shoulders in a poor imitation of a proper tie. ]
There are more sheets here. [ He transfigured them into paper, even. Severus sits still and lets her fuss the scarf around him and he smiles, lopsided. He looks like he's not used to smiling - he isn't - and it always ends up appearing kind of odd. Good thing, maybe, that he always keeps it brief. ]
I live in a dungeon, I like the temperature set lower. [ He tugs one end of the scarf but doesn't pull it off. It is weird; it even smells like what he remembers. What a fucking choice, TQ. ] Do you want it?
[ She makes a tsking sound along the roof of her mouth. There are more sheets but they aren't her sheets, which are soft and warm and decorated with flowers. There's always something about sleeping in your own bed. She'd like to have the closest version of that. ]
Yeah, I was gonna say - it's kind of chilly in here. [ The light, in a weird way, only seems to add to that fact. She can't imagine what living in a dungeon might be like. Drippy, probably. ] It's yours. You should keep it.
[ He could tint it yellowish instead and it'd feel warmer, but he's not a mind reader. It feels cleaner, he thinks, this way. Too much nostalgia for home just makes him annoyed.
Anyway. Severus adjusts a bit and then loops one end of the scarf around her.
So there. ]
Sure you're all right?
[ Missing home or. Whatever. Take the scarf, Claire. ]
[ She definitely isn't missing home, that's for sure. Claire realizes that's a strange conclusion to come to but putting that catastrophe on pause for as long as possible is something she can only ever be happy about. And she really did come down here to ask in person about the medical records thing but maybe there was more to it than that, maybe that was just a smokescreen.
Her fingertips catch the end of the scarf and she examines it for frays and tears and other imperfections. So that she doesn't have to look at him when she says it, Claire unwinds the fabric from around his neck and talks while doing so. ]
I kind of got into it with someone recently. [ It's probably obvious who the someone is - okay, maybe not - but she doesn't want to specify if she doesn't have to. This conversation already might go somewhere she's not entirely prepared to take it. ] I thought eventually I would just stop caring but it's taking it's time going away, that's all.
[ When she's finished, she is adequately scarfed in Slytherin colors. ]
[ 'So hex them' isn't the right answer (or an applicable one). Severus watches silver and green yarn wind around and around, and after a moment he reaches out and takes one of her hands.
Threatening to kill someone for her probably isn't the right answer either. He sits back enough so that if she wants to sit next to him she can; he lets go of her hand, not clinging or pulling her around. Brief and supportive. He hopes. ]
Do you want to tell me about it? [ That's a better answer. Right? Probably. Sounds accurate.
(If it was Black, Severus will actually kill him.) ]
[ Hexing them presents two problems; the first issue being that she is without the ability to actually hex anyone or anything and the second having more to do with the fact that she knows violence will only exacerbate the situation. Even if she still kind of does want to punch something. The other issues is that discussing this in any capacity opens up a can of worms that she is already feeling self-conscious about, even though she knows it's completely stupid. ]
I don't know. [ She really doesn't. Distantly Claire knows that if anyone was going to be understanding about it, Severus would be the one. That doesn't change anything, and she doesn't sit down just yet. ] There's kind of a lot more to it than just the argument.
[ Sirius Black is safe another day on the Tranquility, and Claire intends to not name names just for the sake of containing the situation. ]
[ Severus remembers when they were fighting-- she'd snapped at him over Peter, then snapped at him for asking about it, and he's still not entirely sure why that argument happened the way it did, but he feels fairly confident it was greatly egged on by words coming out of his mouth. He was being an arsehole at the time, but he's no better navigating interpersonal social cues when he's not.
Instead of prodding at her to say more he just stays where he is and looks at her. He tries to keep his expression patient. If she doesn't want to talk about it, that's fine, but he doesn't know what else to say that won't be something stupid. She mentioned it, anyway. Maybe she just needs a distraction. Or. Something. He doesn't have a deck of cards.
The silence could be awkward, but Severus is adept at seeming fine with it. Being reserved has some benefits. ]
[ Claire, on the other hand, is terrible at shrugging off awkward on a good day. Her spine immediately straightens to the point of rigidity, even though she leans carefully to one side, hip cocked to bear the brunt of her weight. Neatly rounded fingernails pick at the ends of the scarf and if it wasn't frayed before, the way she needles at it means that it's going to be. She sits down before she can start splitting the ends like pieces of hair, not exactly nervous or afraid but something that she definitely hasn't expressed in front of him before. Her legs hang off the edge of the cot when normally she would just relax against it and spread out like she was laying claim. Now this scarf is the singularly most fascinating thing she has ever seen in her entire life.
For a long time - or what feels like a long time and is actually probably a long time, since sitting in silence with only one other person for longer than 30 seconds feels like sitting in silence with them for three hours - Claire just fiddles with the scarf, spreading it across her thighs and blanketing her hands. She's not ashamed or unsure of her position - except maybe in what it means or even is because she hasn't been able to figure that part of her out, ever; it doesn't just break down into boys and girls - but it's a hard fucking thing to bring up to anyone, let alone someone you have been making out with. Eventually she just gives up with exasperation and draws one leg up on the bed, bending it at the knee and turning to face him. Her palms are flat over her knees. ]
Before I was here, back at school, specifically, the last relationship that I had that - it wasn't even technically a relationship. Maybe it could have been, eventually, but everything - I have no idea what it was or what we were doing, but it was there, and it's a thing that happened, and it was also with a girl. Someone said something ignorant, not knowing about that, it made me feel like shit, and now I'm angry about it.
[ And that's it. That's the story. That she has literally never told anyone else before. Except for Sylar but picking it out of your brain like picking out an ice cream flavor doesn't count, and Sylar doesn't count either, at all. Claire doesn't look away because she finds that harder to do than to keep watch for a reaction. ]
apparently keeping his mouth shut was the correct tactic. Severus watches all the scarf-fiddling, occasionally considers saying something, but then is glad he didn't when she finally spills all that out. It's not earth-shattering and he doesn't find himself shocked or scandalized-- though it is several details to consider at once.
His expression is attentive, not bothered, though he does frown a bit before finally saying, ] They were being a prick.
[ As that's what it sounds like to him. ]
Was it - [ a pause, he reflects for a heartbeat, obviously considering how to word this. Slower, now - ] Are you worried about her showing up here? Or was it someone being senseless about queer people?
[ In the 1980s, 'queer people' isn't quite so borderline-slur sounding, but Severus doesn't project derogatory when he says it. Meanwhile: is Claire dating someone at home? Is that something he should be bothered by? Is that.. something they should take into consideration? Fuck, he has no idea. The fact that it's another woman doesn't register very high on the list of things he should be paying attention to. ]
[ Her expression turns quizzical, both at the terminology and at his confusion over which she's bothered by. Quizzical and kind of surprised because it's not the reaction that she was holding her breath against but at the same time how could she have expected any less? It strikes her as odd that the answer wouldn't be obvious, though she does suppose that the wizarding world probably has more to worry about than people's sexual orientation.
She'll agree with him on the prick part, even if her anger simmers down into little flames wanting to lick the tension from the fifth floor sometimes before it builds itself up again and steams. ]
I'd be extremely worried if she showed up here, because she would have absolutely no reference for what to do and would probably end up dead. [ But that's it. Claire is a serial monogamist and she's not a cheater. Once she's involved with someone, she's involved until something forces her not to be. Whether that's a design of her own making or some external circumstance, it just depends. But he doesn't have anything to be concerned about. ] I'm not worried about - if she showed up, you and me, that wouldn't change. We weren't even really together. I mean, there was something, but it's nothing I could put a name to. I think it was on a collision course, anyway. We were never really on the same page about a lot of things.
[ Claire takes a moment to collect the frayed and scattered thoughts littered around her head and realizes that she has moved one of her hands from her knee away and fisted it in the bedspread. Her brow furrows, and she makes a show of thinking before speaking. ]
It isn't - there are a lot of really bigoted opinions about the subject at home. I grew up in a state where that kind of thing was barely tolerated. Maybe by my generation but after that it gets a little sketchy, even then it gets a little sketchy. That's the fear inherent in bringing it up at all, if fear is what you want to call it. And it's not - it's not so cut and dry. Like boy, girl, it's not about that. I don't know. I've never brought it up to anyone before.
[ She and Gretchen never even really talked about what it was or what it meant or how Claire felt about it. It was something that just kind of happened and continued to happen and the parameters and logistics and vernacular surrounding it never mattered. It's never been about gender, is what she's trying to say. Also that, yes, someone was being senseless. ]
[ Severus lets her anxiety roll over him and away, not getting caught up in him anywhere. He watches her face, looking into her (green, of course, always) eyes while she talks. He follows the coil of tension through her shoulders, her hands.
All right. He gets it, now. ]
That sort of thing [ he begins slowly, ] does happen in our world. Being arseholes about it, I mean. It's seen as sort of weird in some circles, not really talked about, but not awful. Some people end up more bothered by it than others. I know muggles are worse about it.
[ So that's his lack of 'You're gay?!' reaction explained. The more he thinks about it the more he thinks, well, it is a pretty unexpected reveal, but only because he's never stopped to consider who else she might be with in any specifics. Would he have thought about men, women, both? Hm. ]
It doesn't bother me.
[ He's got enough other shit to hate people for, there's just no room for homophobia in him. He thinks he'd have to care a whole lot more about sex, and he just doesn't. ]
[ By degrees, she comes down from that heightened place, letting her spine relax one vertebra at a time until her posture is not something that every mother would be proud of. She kind of deflates but doesn't slump, lets herself relax down from manic to somewhere with a steady pulse. Call it intuition, but she really hadn't expected him to be bothered. All the same his response settles somewhere deep down in her marrow. Following how shitty she's felt for the past couple of days, for a number of reasons, it's a welcome break to not have to for a while. ]
Thank you.
[ Claire kind of feels like she should get more emotional about it, but she doesn't. There's genuine gratitude in those two words. Thank you for not being bothered and thank you for not telling her to get out and thank you for your lack of making this a huge deal. ]
I didn't realize it was that bad. [ For muggles in Texas or anywhere, though maybe he would have a better idea about it if he paid any attention whatsoever. ]
It's just an arrangement of organs. [ Gender. Bits. Whatever. Doesn't even have anything to do with magic or species. His Slytherin friends were always either too stuck up to acknowledge the existence of anything outside breeding potential or already engaging in libertine ideals of fuck anything. If was always the Gryffindors who made cracks about it-- and always the pureblood ones. Funny, that. ]
I used to get people who didn't like me accusing me of sleeping with my housemates. Blokes. Like it was supposed to offend me that there were rumors I was shagging the really rich good-looking students.
[ Sort of a joke, but also true. What the fuck. Lucius 'hottest dude in school ever' Malfoy, wow what a torturous idea. Lucius didn't care, which Severus always found really kind of him. Severus would have been pissed, if he were the older man. Not about the gay thing, but about Severus being poor and ugly and probably not actually pureblooded. ]
Wow, the shock and horror. [ What a torturous idea indeed. ] Teenagers are assholes. Whether they're being assholes directly or indirectly, depending on what's true or not, doesn't matter, they're assholes. If they let it continue on later in life, that just means they're bigger, older assholes.
[ I hate everyone you went to school with, she thinks but doesn't say aloud. Not because it isn't true - maybe save Lily - but because it wouldn't accomplish anything in adding it in the first place. It's just more evidence stacked in the pile that she already has as to why he is the way that he is, and even if you can claim that something like that doesn't bother you, all it ever does is add fuel to an ever-burning flame. Zach didn't give a damn what people thought or said about him, and he told her that a hundred times, and the look on his face the day Jackie cornered him in the hallways after lunch is one that has stuck with her all this time and will forever.
That resignation, the way that he had looked at the ground like there was nothing else he could say or do. It makes her angry, retroactively, at Jackie and at the people she knows without having to ask said the same kind of shit to him, and at the person responsible for inspiring this conversation in the first place. Claire tries not to hold onto it, listening to him with her head inclined and her mouth pressed into a thin line. ]
I once punched a girl in the face for calling out my friend, Zach, for probably being gay in front of a bunch of people who were more than happy to laugh at him about it. [ She only says 'probably' because no one, not even Claire, ever got direct confirmation of that fact, as was well within Zach's right as a human being, especially as a sixteen-year-old human being in a heavily divided high school in Odessa, Texas. ] It doesn't matter, and I didn't care then, and I definitely don't care now. Not because of my own experience but just - [ Her eyes grow incredulously wide and she laughs, cynical. ] who cares?
[ It reminds him of Lily (again) and something sharp twists in his chest with no outward sign. You have a type whispers a voice in his head but he ignores it-- it's not like that with Lily, not really. Is it?
Severus doesn't want to inspect that right now. ]
Apparently a lot of people care. [ He shrugs one shoulder, his expression flickering sympathetic, a little tired. ] I can't fathom why.
You're a good friend. [ To Zach. Whoever that is. A guy who probably didn't call Claire an angry slur for it after, he figures. ]
[ She wasn't always, is the thing. If Jackie was Sirius, then Claire was definitely Remus, standing idly by and not necessarily agreeing with what was happening but doing nothing to stop it. The rest of her life will be spent trying to make it up to the people she stood on top of and smacked down in order to secure a spot at the top. It isn't something she's proud of, and there is no way in hell she's going to bring it up specifically knowing what she does. That doesn't stop her from feeling guilty about it. ]
I could've been better. [ And that's all she's going to say about it. ] I'm never going to be able to fathom why it matters. If you like someone then just be with them and screw everybody else.
[ Especially when your own shortcomings and roadblocks are already against you enough as it is. ]
[ Severus would understand learning the error of ones ways, at least. ]
I never gave it much thought. [ Even then, with the occasional jab at him about an imagined sexual preference that he didn't care about. ] If it wasn't happening, the reason why not seemed inconsequential. A little while ago I talked about it. [ Severus shrugs again, not totally sure why he's saying this. ] I said no to someone, and there were these bizarre assumptions. On one side, it was that I have to hate queer people if I say no to a bloke, and on the other, because I hadn't said 'I don't fuck men' when I said no, then it wasn't actually a no and he should feel free to keep trying to-- [ grab me drunk after I already told him to get a life ] --try.
[ While he's talking, she draws both of her feet up onto the bed, shoes and all, to fold her legs in front of her, twisting them into each other. Sorry about your sheets, Severus, but at least she hasn't stepped in anything recently. ]
Right, because saying no to someone automatically means there's something weirdly wrong with you.
[ She doesn't roll her eyes but her tone is saturated in enough disdain and sarcasm that it's effective without it. It's a kneejerk kind of resentment, and Claire has the instinct to ask who it was but resists that urge in the off-chance that he would tell her. That part of her is hardly buried, it bubbles to the surface enough as it is, and if she knew who it was there is no accounting for the number of dirty looks and stink eyes she would seek them out just to throw. ]
Or you have to qualify it. All these stipulations. And people can just make the decision for you. Lack of no doesn't mean yeah go ahead with whatever it is you want to think.
I'm sure you get it more than I do. [ A little wry ha ha ha men. Severus has that strange awareness with it, but still declines to inspect why; he slips away from acknowledging all of that through the power of denial and having been a teenager in the seventies. ]
Are other women that way? [ With. Her. Is that a weird question? It seems like a weird question. But weird questions feel like a better avenue than being annoyed over people being pricks. ]
[ He's probably right, but that doesn't change fact. She's had enough experience down that street to completely embitter her to a lot of things but she doesn't let it drag her down. Her immediate response to that comment is a shrug, which goes well with his question, too. It's kind of a weird question. Still she finds that she doesn't have as much difficultly in answering it for him as she might someone else. ]
That doesn't change the fact that you do. In my experience, it's primarily been men, but I honestly don't know. I mean, I don't have a lot of experience. Gretchen was kind of up in my face about it, but not in a bad way. [ She'd been taken aback at the time, and kind of annoyed that she wouldn't drop it at first, but after examining it under a microscope it hadn't been anything like what Severus is describing. ] I want to say that women are obviously the superior gender, but I think that's a little too biased on my part.
[ Make a joke, Claire, that'll make everything better. ]
[ Because she's sitting on his bed, because he likes her, because he blankly said he and Lily grew apart instead of going on a rant about her like everyone else from his world. Because his father hit him and his mother was only an enabler.
He hasn't actually said he's got any sort of alternative sexual identity and, well, maybe he doesn't. It's tragically unusual for him to just not give a fuck as it is. ]
[ It doesn't even register with her to ask or assume, obviously. It took her how long to admit it to herself and how long and under what circumstances to talk about it with anyone else. She's fine with it now, and growing finer with it all by the moment, as her irritation starts to simmer again. In the long run, it isn't going to matter anyway.
Claire draws her shoulders up and takes a deep breath in, expels it and pinches the scarf between thumb and forefinger as she tests the softness of the material. ]
I feel better. [ Matter-of-fact, not as a revelation. ] I think it's out of my system.
Good. [ Really. It's a good thing. Severus doesn't know how much he helped, really, or if he was just a vehicle for her to talk at. That's fine. Better than there being something he's supposed to say and inevitably fuck up. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He watches her, staying where he is. The little room smells a bit like mint from the balm he makes for his hands with the faintest remnants of tobacco; there's a mug on the small dresser that he uses as an ash tray, but it's cleaned and empty. He doesn't smoke all that much. ]
I hadn't seen it in years until I got here, [ he says of the scarf. ] Slytherin house colors. I think it must be the one I had as a student.
no subject
[ Maybe now that all the Petrellis have vacated the ship, she'll get her chance to shine in the goods from home department, some cosmic balance tipping in her favor. Spike had found her plenty of things before he just disappeared, but nothing to brighten up anything in that sardine tin. Claire has pieced things together in order to make it look less like a cell of some kind, but her bedrooms have always been open and airy and organized with color. It isn't really a big deal, but she notices. ]
I like the colors. Back in Odessa, our colors were red and white. Different shades of blue in California. Never saw any green and silver personally.
[ Having turned away while folding the thick material in her hands to look at some of the other odds and ends, Claire lets the scarf unravel as she turns back and takes the one step necessary to bringing her within reaching distance. Sloppily - still, almost nervously, as if unsure if she should be doing anything at all - she drapes it over his shoulders in a poor imitation of a proper tie. ]
Space is cold.
no subject
I live in a dungeon, I like the temperature set lower. [ He tugs one end of the scarf but doesn't pull it off. It is weird; it even smells like what he remembers. What a fucking choice, TQ. ] Do you want it?
no subject
Yeah, I was gonna say - it's kind of chilly in here. [ The light, in a weird way, only seems to add to that fact. She can't imagine what living in a dungeon might be like. Drippy, probably. ] It's yours. You should keep it.
no subject
Anyway. Severus adjusts a bit and then loops one end of the scarf around her.
So there. ]
Sure you're all right?
[ Missing home or. Whatever. Take the scarf, Claire. ]
no subject
[ She definitely isn't missing home, that's for sure. Claire realizes that's a strange conclusion to come to but putting that catastrophe on pause for as long as possible is something she can only ever be happy about. And she really did come down here to ask in person about the medical records thing but maybe there was more to it than that, maybe that was just a smokescreen.
Her fingertips catch the end of the scarf and she examines it for frays and tears and other imperfections. So that she doesn't have to look at him when she says it, Claire unwinds the fabric from around his neck and talks while doing so. ]
I kind of got into it with someone recently. [ It's probably obvious who the someone is - okay, maybe not - but she doesn't want to specify if she doesn't have to. This conversation already might go somewhere she's not entirely prepared to take it. ] I thought eventually I would just stop caring but it's taking it's time going away, that's all.
[ When she's finished, she is adequately scarfed in Slytherin colors. ]
no subject
Threatening to kill someone for her probably isn't the right answer either. He sits back enough so that if she wants to sit next to him she can; he lets go of her hand, not clinging or pulling her around. Brief and supportive. He hopes. ]
Do you want to tell me about it? [ That's a better answer. Right? Probably. Sounds accurate.
(If it was Black, Severus will actually kill him.) ]
no subject
I don't know. [ She really doesn't. Distantly Claire knows that if anyone was going to be understanding about it, Severus would be the one. That doesn't change anything, and she doesn't sit down just yet. ] There's kind of a lot more to it than just the argument.
[ Sirius Black is safe another day on the Tranquility, and Claire intends to not name names just for the sake of containing the situation. ]
no subject
Instead of prodding at her to say more he just stays where he is and looks at her. He tries to keep his expression patient. If she doesn't want to talk about it, that's fine, but he doesn't know what else to say that won't be something stupid. She mentioned it, anyway. Maybe she just needs a distraction. Or. Something. He doesn't have a deck of cards.
The silence could be awkward, but Severus is adept at seeming fine with it. Being reserved has some benefits. ]
no subject
For a long time - or what feels like a long time and is actually probably a long time, since sitting in silence with only one other person for longer than 30 seconds feels like sitting in silence with them for three hours - Claire just fiddles with the scarf, spreading it across her thighs and blanketing her hands. She's not ashamed or unsure of her position - except maybe in what it means or even is because she hasn't been able to figure that part of her out, ever; it doesn't just break down into boys and girls - but it's a hard fucking thing to bring up to anyone, let alone someone you have been making out with. Eventually she just gives up with exasperation and draws one leg up on the bed, bending it at the knee and turning to face him. Her palms are flat over her knees. ]
Before I was here, back at school, specifically, the last relationship that I had that - it wasn't even technically a relationship. Maybe it could have been, eventually, but everything - I have no idea what it was or what we were doing, but it was there, and it's a thing that happened, and it was also with a girl. Someone said something ignorant, not knowing about that, it made me feel like shit, and now I'm angry about it.
[ And that's it. That's the story. That she has literally never told anyone else before. Except for Sylar but picking it out of your brain like picking out an ice cream flavor doesn't count, and Sylar doesn't count either, at all. Claire doesn't look away because she finds that harder to do than to keep watch for a reaction. ]
no subject
apparently keeping his mouth shut was the correct tactic. Severus watches all the scarf-fiddling, occasionally considers saying something, but then is glad he didn't when she finally spills all that out. It's not earth-shattering and he doesn't find himself shocked or scandalized-- though it is several details to consider at once.
His expression is attentive, not bothered, though he does frown a bit before finally saying, ] They were being a prick.
[ As that's what it sounds like to him. ]
Was it - [ a pause, he reflects for a heartbeat, obviously considering how to word this. Slower, now - ] Are you worried about her showing up here? Or was it someone being senseless about queer people?
[ In the 1980s, 'queer people' isn't quite so borderline-slur sounding, but Severus doesn't project derogatory when he says it. Meanwhile: is Claire dating someone at home? Is that something he should be bothered by? Is that.. something they should take into consideration? Fuck, he has no idea. The fact that it's another woman doesn't register very high on the list of things he should be paying attention to. ]
no subject
She'll agree with him on the prick part, even if her anger simmers down into little flames wanting to lick the tension from the fifth floor sometimes before it builds itself up again and steams. ]
I'd be extremely worried if she showed up here, because she would have absolutely no reference for what to do and would probably end up dead. [ But that's it. Claire is a serial monogamist and she's not a cheater. Once she's involved with someone, she's involved until something forces her not to be. Whether that's a design of her own making or some external circumstance, it just depends. But he doesn't have anything to be concerned about. ] I'm not worried about - if she showed up, you and me, that wouldn't change. We weren't even really together. I mean, there was something, but it's nothing I could put a name to. I think it was on a collision course, anyway. We were never really on the same page about a lot of things.
[ Claire takes a moment to collect the frayed and scattered thoughts littered around her head and realizes that she has moved one of her hands from her knee away and fisted it in the bedspread. Her brow furrows, and she makes a show of thinking before speaking. ]
It isn't - there are a lot of really bigoted opinions about the subject at home. I grew up in a state where that kind of thing was barely tolerated. Maybe by my generation but after that it gets a little sketchy, even then it gets a little sketchy. That's the fear inherent in bringing it up at all, if fear is what you want to call it. And it's not - it's not so cut and dry. Like boy, girl, it's not about that. I don't know. I've never brought it up to anyone before.
[ She and Gretchen never even really talked about what it was or what it meant or how Claire felt about it. It was something that just kind of happened and continued to happen and the parameters and logistics and vernacular surrounding it never mattered. It's never been about gender, is what she's trying to say. Also that, yes, someone was being senseless. ]
no subject
All right. He gets it, now. ]
That sort of thing [ he begins slowly, ] does happen in our world. Being arseholes about it, I mean. It's seen as sort of weird in some circles, not really talked about, but not awful. Some people end up more bothered by it than others. I know muggles are worse about it.
[ So that's his lack of 'You're gay?!' reaction explained. The more he thinks about it the more he thinks, well, it is a pretty unexpected reveal, but only because he's never stopped to consider who else she might be with in any specifics. Would he have thought about men, women, both? Hm. ]
It doesn't bother me.
[ He's got enough other shit to hate people for, there's just no room for homophobia in him. He thinks he'd have to care a whole lot more about sex, and he just doesn't. ]
no subject
Thank you.
[ Claire kind of feels like she should get more emotional about it, but she doesn't. There's genuine gratitude in those two words. Thank you for not being bothered and thank you for not telling her to get out and thank you for your lack of making this a huge deal. ]
It's just been bugging me. I really will be fine.
no subject
It's just an arrangement of organs. [ Gender. Bits. Whatever. Doesn't even have anything to do with magic or species. His Slytherin friends were always either too stuck up to acknowledge the existence of anything outside breeding potential or already engaging in libertine ideals of fuck anything. If was always the Gryffindors who made cracks about it-- and always the pureblood ones. Funny, that. ]
I used to get people who didn't like me accusing me of sleeping with my housemates. Blokes. Like it was supposed to offend me that there were rumors I was shagging the really rich good-looking students.
[ Sort of a joke, but also true. What the fuck. Lucius 'hottest dude in school ever' Malfoy, wow what a torturous idea. Lucius didn't care, which Severus always found really kind of him. Severus would have been pissed, if he were the older man. Not about the gay thing, but about Severus being poor and ugly and probably not actually pureblooded. ]
no subject
[ I hate everyone you went to school with, she thinks but doesn't say aloud. Not because it isn't true - maybe save Lily - but because it wouldn't accomplish anything in adding it in the first place. It's just more evidence stacked in the pile that she already has as to why he is the way that he is, and even if you can claim that something like that doesn't bother you, all it ever does is add fuel to an ever-burning flame. Zach didn't give a damn what people thought or said about him, and he told her that a hundred times, and the look on his face the day Jackie cornered him in the hallways after lunch is one that has stuck with her all this time and will forever.
That resignation, the way that he had looked at the ground like there was nothing else he could say or do. It makes her angry, retroactively, at Jackie and at the people she knows without having to ask said the same kind of shit to him, and at the person responsible for inspiring this conversation in the first place. Claire tries not to hold onto it, listening to him with her head inclined and her mouth pressed into a thin line. ]
I once punched a girl in the face for calling out my friend, Zach, for probably being gay in front of a bunch of people who were more than happy to laugh at him about it. [ She only says 'probably' because no one, not even Claire, ever got direct confirmation of that fact, as was well within Zach's right as a human being, especially as a sixteen-year-old human being in a heavily divided high school in Odessa, Texas. ] It doesn't matter, and I didn't care then, and I definitely don't care now. Not because of my own experience but just - [ Her eyes grow incredulously wide and she laughs, cynical. ] who cares?
no subject
Severus doesn't want to inspect that right now. ]
Apparently a lot of people care. [ He shrugs one shoulder, his expression flickering sympathetic, a little tired. ] I can't fathom why.
You're a good friend. [ To Zach. Whoever that is. A guy who probably didn't call Claire an angry slur for it after, he figures. ]
no subject
I could've been better. [ And that's all she's going to say about it. ] I'm never going to be able to fathom why it matters. If you like someone then just be with them and screw everybody else.
[ Especially when your own shortcomings and roadblocks are already against you enough as it is. ]
no subject
I never gave it much thought. [ Even then, with the occasional jab at him about an imagined sexual preference that he didn't care about. ] If it wasn't happening, the reason why not seemed inconsequential. A little while ago I talked about it. [ Severus shrugs again, not totally sure why he's saying this. ] I said no to someone, and there were these bizarre assumptions. On one side, it was that I have to hate queer people if I say no to a bloke, and on the other, because I hadn't said 'I don't fuck men' when I said no, then it wasn't actually a no and he should feel free to keep trying to-- [ grab me drunk after I already told him to get a life ] --try.
[ He still doesn't understand this at all. ]
no subject
Right, because saying no to someone automatically means there's something weirdly wrong with you.
[ She doesn't roll her eyes but her tone is saturated in enough disdain and sarcasm that it's effective without it. It's a kneejerk kind of resentment, and Claire has the instinct to ask who it was but resists that urge in the off-chance that he would tell her. That part of her is hardly buried, it bubbles to the surface enough as it is, and if she knew who it was there is no accounting for the number of dirty looks and stink eyes she would seek them out just to throw. ]
Or you have to qualify it. All these stipulations. And people can just make the decision for you. Lack of no doesn't mean yeah go ahead with whatever it is you want to think.
no subject
Are other women that way? [ With. Her. Is that a weird question? It seems like a weird question. But weird questions feel like a better avenue than being annoyed over people being pricks. ]
no subject
That doesn't change the fact that you do. In my experience, it's primarily been men, but I honestly don't know. I mean, I don't have a lot of experience. Gretchen was kind of up in my face about it, but not in a bad way. [ She'd been taken aback at the time, and kind of annoyed that she wouldn't drop it at first, but after examining it under a microscope it hadn't been anything like what Severus is describing. ] I want to say that women are obviously the superior gender, but I think that's a little too biased on my part.
[ Make a joke, Claire, that'll make everything better. ]
no subject
[ Because she's sitting on his bed, because he likes her, because he blankly said he and Lily grew apart instead of going on a rant about her like everyone else from his world. Because his father hit him and his mother was only an enabler.
He hasn't actually said he's got any sort of alternative sexual identity and, well, maybe he doesn't. It's tragically unusual for him to just not give a fuck as it is. ]
no subject
[ It doesn't even register with her to ask or assume, obviously. It took her how long to admit it to herself and how long and under what circumstances to talk about it with anyone else. She's fine with it now, and growing finer with it all by the moment, as her irritation starts to simmer again. In the long run, it isn't going to matter anyway.
Claire draws her shoulders up and takes a deep breath in, expels it and pinches the scarf between thumb and forefinger as she tests the softness of the material. ]
I feel better. [ Matter-of-fact, not as a revelation. ] I think it's out of my system.
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)